Akatsuki at Hogwarts
by rothfyae
Summary: For some reason (that we shall not delve into) the Akatsuki were all together on a mission together and ended up landing in Hogwarts at age 11. It happens to be the sorting banquet, and...
1. The Arrival and the Sorting

This is my take on which house the Akatsuki members would be in. This is an AU for the Akatsuki because Sasori and Tobi are in the group at the same time. And somehow when the Akatsuki got sent to England, Nagato and Yahiko are separate people instead of Nagato controlling Yahiko's corpse. Oh,and this is rate K+ for Hidan's edited mouth.

* * *

"Tobi, this is all your fault, un!" Deidara snapped at his childish partner.

"Tobi is sorry!" Tobi wailed. "Tobi is a bad boy!"

"What the [heck]?!" Hidan yelled. "I'm a little kid!"

"I'm not wooden anymore," Sasori observed, readjusting to his no-longer puppet body.

"Hey, who's the red-head with Leader-sama's eyes?" asked Kisame. "And where's Samehada?"

The Amegakure trio stood close together, whispering. "What's going on?" asked Konan.

"How are we supposed to know?" asked Yahiko, the physical appearance of Pain, better known to his subordinates as Leader-sama.

"I say...we head towards that castle over there," said Nagato, pointing at a very large castle with lighted windows. "We can seek shelter there, seeing as we're much more vulnerable in these forms than in our other forms. Speaking of which, it's good to have you back, Yahiko."

"They know you as leader, Yahiko," said Konan. "You speak to them."

"Hehe, right," said Yahiko. "Hey! People! We're gonna head over to that castle up that way and stay there for the night before figuring out how to get back to normal. Let's go!"

"Leader-sama, your eyes are different," Itachi noted as the group started moving.

"Yeah, so?" Yahiko asked.

"You're also not acting normally," said Kakuzu.

"How?" Yahiko asked, mentally sweat dropping.

"You're much more lively than you usually are. In fact, **that red-head next to Konan's acting more like you**," said both versions of Zetsu.

"Whatever," said Yahiko. "Don't question me." There was a collective 'yes, Leader-sama,' and then the group continued the rest of the way in silence.

When they reached the castle, they were let in by a rather large man with a funny accent, who brought them into a large hall. He told a sharp-looking woman that they must be late-comers, and left them.

"Hm," the woman said. "I'm Professor McGonagall. I hope in future years you won't miss the Hogwarts Express, and that you'll come in proper robes. We don't allow patterns. Your name?" she asked Yahiko, who happened to be in front.

"Yahiko," he said.

"Last name?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"Dunno. I'm an orphan," Yahiko half-lied. _As if I'm going to tell you, old lady!_ he thought.

"I'm sorry about that. Well, please sit down and put on the hat."

"Ok..." Yahiko put on the ratty-looking hat. To his immense surprise, the hat spoke through his mind.

_Hm, what have we here?_ the hat asked. _Great leadership, strong loyalty to friends, tremendous ambition..._

_Yo! Get out of my head! That's private!_ Yahiko mentally yelled as he shielded his mind.

_Alright then,_ the hat said politely. _How about you tell me about yourself? Your life, your dreams..._

_I wanna bring about peace in the Shinobi world_, said Yahiko._ I've raised a group already; they're the people you see here with me. And we're gonna capture the tailed-beasts and use their power to create a great Genjutsu to bring about peace._

_Ah, I see,_ said the hat. _Well, no doubt about it, you're_ "SLYTHERIN!"

"Alright!" Yahiko cheered, feeling his youth returning to his 11-year-old form. Professor McGonagall gestured and sent him over to the Slytherin table.

"Next?" she asked.

"Tobi will go next!" Tobi exclaimed, running forward. "Tobi is a good boy!"

"Tobi, do you have a last name?" Professor McGonagall asked.

Tobi frowned. "Tobi did, but he doesn't remember anymore," he said.

"Alright. Please put the hat on."

Tobi put the hat on. Immediately the hat spoke. _Hello, Tobi_.

Tobi shrieked and yanked the hat off. "Hat talks! Hat talks!"

"No freaking duh, un!" Deidara yelled at his annoying partner. "Didn't you hear it talk for Leader-sama, un?"

Tobi grinned sheepishly behind his mask. "Oh. Tobi is sorry! Tobi will put the hat on now."

As soon as he put the hat back on, the hat said, _Don't be scared, Tobi. I just need to sort you. Let's see, loves candy, wants to make Deidara-sempai happy with you, child's personality...I think you'll make a great _"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Yay!" Tobi cheered. "Tobi is a good boy!" He ran and sat down with the Hufflepuffs.

"Next. You, young man. Name?" Professor McGonagall asked, pointing to Hidan.

"Whatever you [freaking] say, old [witch]," Hidan said. "It's Hidan. No last [freaking] name. Actually, I've got one, but I sacrificed to be closer to Jashin-sama."

Professor McGonagall looked at him sharply. "We do not tolerate that sort of language here at Hogwarts," she said. "If I hear you speak like that again, I will give you a detention."

"Whatever, baa-chan," Hidan spat as he put the hat on.

The hat immediately sensed Hidan's shields and proceeded to ask him, _Please, Hidan, tell me about yourself. What do you think are your strengths?_

_My immortality!_ Hidan exclaimed. _It's pretty handy 'cause it means I can go around with Kakuzu-the-miser and not be killed by him, and I can go around and take any wounds without dying. Good thing too, 'cause if I died, I wouldn't be able to sacrifice to Jashin-sama._

_So you're not afraid of pain?_ the hat asked.

_Of course not,_ said Hidan. _I live for pain! It's my sacrifice to Jashin-sama._

_Well, I think you'll be a _"GRYFFINDOR!" the hat exclaimed.

"[Freak] yeah!" Hidan yelled as he passed an angry Professor McGonagall and took his place at the Gryffindor table.

"Next," Professor McGonagall said. Kisame stepped up.

"I'm Hoshigaki Kisame," Kisame said as he put the hat on.

_Hello, Kisame. You have shields as well. Ah, well, I'll just have to do it the long way. What do you consider your strengths?_

_Heh, so you _do_ talk?_ Kisame asked. _Cool. Well, I'm pretty good with my sword Samehada._

_So you're a fighter_, the hat said.

_Yeah, pretty much,_ said Kisame.

_Do you have a temper?_

_Uh…I guess? I mean, I get mad. I'm not as easy to get mad as Deidara is, though. I actually think._

_Hm. Well, I suppose I'll put you it…_ "GRYFFINDOR!"

"Yo, shark-face!" Hidan yelled. "Come on!" Kisame headed over to his comrade and sat down as Deidara stepped forward.

"I'm Deidara, un," he said. "I'm a boy, un. I just like my hair long, un. And no, I'm not gonna tell you my clan name, un." He put the hat on.

_Goodness, hot temper, love of art, dislike of that nice boy Tobi…_the hat said. _Well, you're a no-brainer._ "GRYFFINDOR!"

"Cool, un," said Deidara. "As long as I'm not near Tobi, un."

"Next, you, young lady," Professor McGonagall said, gesturing to Konan.

"I'm Konan, and I'm an orphan with no clan name," said Konan. She put the hat on.

_I sense a great loyalty in you,_ the hat said. _Unfortunate circumstances in your childhood, but you've risen above the past. I also sense a great love of learning…origami? Well, it's a love of learning. However, I think you'll do best in…_ "HUFFLEPUFF!"

Konan went and sat next to Tobi as Sasori stepped forward.

"I am simply known as Akasuna no Sasori," said Sasori. He put the hat on.

_Ah, skilled in anatomy, an artist…hm, impatient, turned yourself into a puppet? Impressive, I suppose. Well, you have a thirst for knowledge, so I'll put you in…_ "RAVENCLAW!"

Sasori nodded and sat down at the Ravenclaw table.

"**We are**Zetsu," said Zetsu.

"We?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"Ignore his internal conflict," Kakuzu advised. Professor McGonagall obliged.

Zetsu put the hat on his…their head. _Ah, two personalities in one body_, the hat began.

**_Put us with Leader-sama_**_,_ Zetsu said.

_Leader-sama?_ the hat asked.

_Put us with Pain-sama, Yahiko-sama,_ said Zetsu.

_Are you certain?_ asked the hat.

**_Yes_**, said Zetsu. _We are certain_.

"SLYTHERIN!" the hat shouted. Zetsu got up and sat next to Yahiko.

"Um, hi," said Yahiko.

"Leader-sama, **when can we eat people?**" asked Zetsu. "No, we don't want to eat people! **Yes, we do. People taste good.** But eating people is bad!"

"I'll let you discuss that with yourself," said Yahiko, glancing over at Konan and mouthing 'Is he always like this?'. To his dismay, Konan nodded.

"Next," Professor McGonagall said, pretending that she hadn't heard Zetsu's debate.

"I'm Uchiha Itachi," said Itachi, stepping forward and placing the hat on his head.

_Ah, an unconditional love for your brother, a fierce loyalty for your village…all to the point where you're willing to become the bad guy for the other's benefit…very befitting of…_ "HUFFLEPUFF!"

Itachi joined Konan and Tobi. Kakuzu got up.

"I'm Kakuzu. I'm not telling you my last name. I hate stalkers," said the nin as he grabbed the hat and put it on.

_I don't appreciate being handled so roughly_, the hat commented. _Hm, I see a great love of math, not to mention money. You've acquired all of the elemental magics of your land, and have learned to use them all…I think you'll do well in…_ "RAVENCLAW!"

Kakuzu joined Sasori and watched the last of the Akatsuki, the strange boy who no one except Konan and Leader-sama/Yahiko seemed to know.

"I'm Nagato," he said quietly to Professor McGonagall. He put on the hat.

_Ah, a difficult past, and a power rare and great,_ the hat commented. _I see a strong loyalty to your friends Konan and Yahiko. Ah, in fact, you value your friendship with them above most else. I think you'll find yourself at home in…_ "HUFFLEPUFF!"

And with that the, the sorting was complete.


	2. First Classes and a Few Impressions

This fic is going to skip around. I don't know what year this is, but it's a year with Fred and George in it. So, any year up through the fifth book. Actually, setting in fifth book would be funny. I've read some fics with funny Deidara-Umbridge mutual hate. By the way, if anyone has any suggestions for an interaction, please review and tell me. I'm always up to my neck in school work, so I have little time to write and develop ideas for funny interactions. Please help me by giving me ideas!

Anyway, this chapter is just the Akatsuki going to class. The Gryffindors get to show up twice because they're the ones with the loudest mouths. I'm not quite sure what Yahiko's personality really is. I still need to check Narutopedia. I'll do that eventually...Oh, and regarding his being alive. He remembers dying, and he knows he shouldn't be alive. He remembers little bits of being the Deva Path- he knows all of the Akatsuki's names and powers- just not their personalities, which is why he's a little weired out by Zetsu. He also has no idea why he let S-rank criminals be on the team.

* * *

Yahiko and Zetsu sat in Potions class with the Gryffindors. To their delight, Hidan, Deidara, and Kisame were also there, though the three didn't seem to be enjoying themselves.

"What's wrong?" Yahiko asked.

"Why do we have to take this Jashin-forsaken course when we're not even students here?" Hidan asked, annoyed. "Grease-hair has already deducted points from us for not wearing the school uniform. We don't even attending this [freaking] school!"

"This is such a waste of time, un," Deidara complained. "I could be training or making art instead of sitting in this smelly classroom, un."

"I'm one of the Seven Swordsmen of Kirigakure," Kisame hissed. "I graduated from the Academy ages ago. I don't need to be in school!"

"And it isn't even ninja training," Yahiko agreed.

"Hey, Leader-sama, are you feeling ok, un?" asked Deidara. "You seem really…happy, un."

"Happy?" Yahiko asked.

"Like, not monotone, ringed-eyed usual you," said Kisame. "Speaking of ringed-eyed, what happened to your eyes?"

"My eyes?" Yahiko asked.

"Care to share with the rest of the class?" Professor Snape asked as he walked over. "You three. Five points each from Gryffindor for disrupting the class and disturbing the other students."

"Hey! We weren't the only ones talking, un!" Deidara exclaimed.

"Um, is it a good idea to be talking like that when referring to Leader-sama?" asked Kisame.

"Since when do you [freaking] care about the [freaking] rules?" asked Hidan. "We're a bunch of S-rank criminals, for Jashin-sama's sake!"

"Detention for language, Mr.…" Professor Snape looked at his list. "You don't have a surname?"

"Nope," said Hidan. "Gave it up as a sacrifice to Jashin-sama."

"You can tell me just who this Jashin-sama is when you see me in detention," Professor Snape snapped. "What are the rest of you doing? That wasn't an invitation to take a snooze! Back to work!"

"Jeez," Yahiko muttered to Zetsu. "Does he have a kunai stuck up his butt or something?"

"If he did **we wouldn't eat him. He's too greasy**," said Zetsu.

"What's with you and eating people?" asked Yahiko.

"We are a **cannibal**," said Zetsu.

Yahiko sweatdropped and made a mental note to ask Konan and Nagato what sort of S-rank criminals the Akatsuki had employed after his death and why. Then Zetsu decided to try the mandrake juice. Later, in the hospital wing, Zetsu told an exasperated Yahiko that the juice had smelled like a human.

* * *

The Gryffindors and Ravenclaws sat in Professor Binns' class, bored.

"Make the [freaking] droning stop," Hidan groaned to Kisame, who lay slumped on his desk, snoring.

"This is pointless," said Kakuzu to Sasori. "I could be doing something productive. Like, learning this land's currency."

"I know," Sasori muttered. "I'll be practicing that Earth Release Konan made up."

"Professor, un!" Everyone turned to see Deidara with his hand raised. The nins noticed he was wearing a glove to keep his mouth from showing.

"Can I help you, Mr.…Deidara?" asked Professor Binns.

"Yeah," said Deidara. "How is this class supposed to help us, un?"

"Past is prologue," said Professor Binns before turning away.

"Yeah, but the way you teach it makes past the way to boredom, un," said Deidara.

"For once, I agree with you, brat," said Sasori. "All we're doing is hearing a bunch of random dates about goblin wars being thrown around. We're not learning how it applies to here and now, to our present and our future."

"And not [freaking] once has Jashin-sama been mentioned!" Hidan exclaimed, knocking Kisame, so that he snorted and woke up.

"Language, Mr. Hidan," said Professor Binns. "Now, as I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted-"

"Professor, you don't understand," said Kakuzu. "Past may be prologue, but all you're doing is droning at us. You aren't teaching us past's relevance to now, and if we don't know how our past is applicable, how does it do us any good?"

"If you would pay attention, maybe you would learn something," said Professor Binns. "Continuing-"

"No, un," Deidara said loudly. "If you're not going to actually teach us something, and are going to read to us like pre-Academy kids, I'm not staying here anymore, un. Who's with me?"

Kisame sat up. "I'm in!"

"I'm outta this [freaking] Jashin-forsaken place!" Hidan yelled.

"Until something important is taught, I don't see the point in staying here either," said Sasori.

"Agreed," said Kakuzu. And to all of the students shock, the five students got up and walked out of the classroom.

* * *

The first year Hufflepuffs sat quietly in their first Transfiguration class. Professor McGonagall had just finished explaining how to transfigure a matchstick into a needle. "Alright, students. You may take your wands out. Here are matchsticks. Begin." Konan raised her hand. "Yes, Miss…Konan?"

"We don't have wands to channel your special chakra through," said Konan. "What are the hand seals?"

"You came to school without wands?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"We didn't mean to, Professor," said Itachi.

"Tobi says he accidently touched a scroll and everything went swirly and stuffy and then we were dropped out on the ground and then, and then-"

"Quiet, Tobi," Nagato ordered. Tobi was quiet. "We honestly don't know what happened, Professor. We were in our land, doing our work, and then all of a sudden we were here in this land, speaking your strange language that I'm not quite sure how we know."

"We're speaking another language?" Konan asked.

"Think about it," said Nagato. "I mean, _really_ think about it. If we were in our land, we'd be calling Professor McGonagall _McGonagall-sensei_. I have to concentrate hard on it even to say it."

"You're right," Itachi said after a moment. "This is strange. In all my studies, I've never encountered a technique such as this one. Ah, I just did it too. I should have said _jutsu_, but instead I spoke in this language."

"I'll take you to the headmaster after class," Professor McGonagall said. "Until then, you may read the text so that you can understand the theory…if you don't have it, borrow it from someone."

"I wonder how the others are," Konan said offhandedly as she read. "I heard they have potions first."

"Oh, they'll have a great time," Nagato said with a quiet snort. "I heard the Potion's teacher is…well, let's just say he and the Deidara will clash. Violently."

"Then I don't want to see Hidan and the Potion's teacher clash," Konan said. "Good thing he doesn't have his scythe."

"Hm," said Itachi as he skimmed the text as well. "It seems the idea is to let the special chakra flow into the matchstick and to will it to change. Will it? Well, if I can create illusions that can drive hunter-nin insane with my Tsukiyomi, I don't see why I can't will a matchstick to turn into a small senbon."

"The technique is similar to the way I will my paper into different forms," Konan remarked. "I've never completely change anything's chemical composition before, though."

"Indeed, I don't think we have a technique quite like this one," said Itachi, interested.

"Snake…affiliated with Earth and Wood Release," Konan recited quietly. "Let's see. _Doton: Senbon no ki no jutsu_!" She slammed her hand into the snake seal and let her chakra flow. The ninja all watched as the matchstick changed rapidly from a matchstick to a senbon.

"Hm," said Nagato, carefully picking it up. "It feels normal and stable. I don't know how it's physically possible that a small piece of wood transformed into a relatively dense piece of metal, but I'll question the science of it later."

"Tobi wants to try!" Tobi exclaimed. "Professor! Professor! Tobi wants to make senbon too!"

"Tobi, don't shout," Professor McGonagall said. "You may have a matchstick, but you don't have a wand. How do you think you can transfigure it? Wandless magic is very advanced."

"Konan did it," Tobi said, waving his arm and pointing. "See? See?" He grabbed the senbon from Nagato.

"I'll try," said Itachi, taking a matchstick from another student's desk. "_Doton: Senbon no ki no jutsu_!"

Professor McGonagall watched as the eleven year old wandlessly transfigured the matchstick into an oversized needle. Stunned, she said, "Excellent. Make sure you all get a turn. We'll talk to the headmaster about this later."

* * *

And, yeah. I just stopped there. No idea what Dumbledore and the staff's reactions will be. I'll probably get back to that in, like, February vacation. And then upload it during April vacation. Yeah. Hopefully by then I'll have a couple of good ideas brewing in my head so I can upload more. Oh, and please send me ideas!


	3. De-aged S-Rank Criminals Riding Brooms

Wow, I updated this way faster than I thought I would. Probably because my Lit midterm studying is making my brain want to pop out of my head and vomit information about _Moby-Dick, Scarlet Letter_, and _Walden_ all over the place. Anyway, special thanks to Meimeiaru8, who suggested the Akatsuki trying to fly broomsticks. As soon as I read that, I started thinking about who would love, hate, or be indifferent to broomsticks. And I thought about Madame Hooch's reaction to the Akatsuki's ninja version of broomstick riding. Oh, and I decided to set this is _Order of the Phoenix_ because of Umbridge. At some point I'll try to dedicate a chapter or a piece of a chapter to Umbridge vs the Akatsuki.

* * *

Unaware of what was going on with Konan, Nagato, Tobi, and Itachi (who were currently meeting with the headmaster about wandless magic), the Gryffindors and Slytherins stood in the Quidditch pitch, waiting for Madame Hooch to bring out whatever it was that they were to fly on.

"This sounds so awesome!" Deidara exclaimed, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "I wonder if it's anything like my flying art, un?"

"For your sake, I hope not," said Yahiko, vaguely recalling what Deidara referred to as art. He remembered it involved a lot of destruction.

"If I [freaking] fly, I wonder how many more [freaking] sacrifices to Jashin I can collect?" Hidan wondered aloud. "I mean, if I had my scythe, I could [freaking] mow down a bunch and do the rest later!"

Yahiko sighed, questioning his own (and Nagato's) mental stability. He really needed to ask Konan why they'd hired who'd they'd hired. "The more you use that word, the less it means to all of us," he said to Hidan. "Now shut up. Here comes the teacher."

"Alright, everyone!" shouted Madame Hooch. "Take a broomstick and place it in front of you."

"This looks nice," said Zetsu. "**Can I eat it?**"

Exasperated, Yahiko exclaimed, "No, Zetsu, you can't eat it! Stop asking that!" Then he thought better of it. "Actually, ask me every time." _I don't want him causing too much of a ruckus. Especially since he's a cannibal._

"Everyone got a broom?" asked Madame Hooch. "Good. Now hold your hand over it and say 'Up!'. Got it?"

"Up, un!" Deidara yelled. His broom flew to his hand. "So cool, un!" Then he looked at it. "How do you ride this thing, un? Stand? Sit? Hang on? Un?"

"Why does he always say 'un' when he's done talking?" Yahiko asked Kisame.

Kisame shrugged."Speech impediment? Dunno. Man, I hope flying is as good as swimming. Up!" And the broom flew up to his hand.

"Madame Hooch,!" Deidara called. "Is this right, un?" He was standing on the broom, arms out, and using chakra to stick to it. "How do I make this thing move, un?"

"Lemme [freaking] show you!" Hidan exclaimed as he shoved Deidara's broom. It immediately shot off. "[Freaking] sweet!" Hidan yelled. "Up!" He jumped onto the broom, using chakra to stay standing. "Gimme a [freaking] push, Shark-face!"

Kisame grumbled, and then threw Hidan's broom like a javelin. "I hope he crashes and breaks his neck," he said to Yahiko. "He's such a pain!"

Madame Hooch turned around, startled by the excited yells. "Who said you could take off- _what on earth do you two think you're doing?!_" She stared as Hidan and Deidara shot around the Quidditch pitch, standing on their broomsticks.

"I'm gonna try," said Yahiko. "Up!" He and Kisame stepped up on their brooms. "Zetsu, push us." Zetsu obliged, and the two de-aged nin shot off.

"How do you steer this thing?" Kisame yelled to Deidara.

"Body weight distribution!" Deidara yelled back. "The not-bristly end is the back, and the branch end is the front, un. Lean to your back to make it turn right, and lean to your front to make it go left, un. Put more pressure in your foot near the broom front to go down, and do the opposite to make it go up, un! This is almost as good as riding my art, un!"

Then they heard a shriek of, "How do you [freaking] steer this thing again?!" They turned to see Hidan go hurtling straight for the ground.

"You fool," they heard Sasori say as he caught Hidan with chakra strings. He and Kakuzu, bored by Professor Umbridge, the Defense against the Dark Arts teacher, had simply gotten up and left class again.

"Why'd you catch him?" Kakuzu asked.

"If we didn't, then we'd have to explain to these strange civilians why Hidan isn't dead, and I don't feel like thinking up a scientific reason for that," said Sasori. "Unless, of course, you do."

"Deidara! How do you stop?!" asked Yahiko.

"I'm working on it!" Deidara yelled back.

By now, Madame Hooch had snatched a broom and was chasing the bunch across the pitch.

"Ok, too fast," said Kisame. "I'm a water guy myself. I'm jumping!" he yelled. "Heads up below!" And he jumped. Madame Hooch screeched to a stop below him, about to cast a cushioning charm under him. To her surprise, the boy dropped easily on all fours, deliberately away from her charm.

Sasori dragged Kisame's broom to a stop and drew it to him. "This could be interesting," he muttered. He dropped Hidan unceremoniously next to Kakuzu, and mounted the broom, carefully sticking with chakra. Then Hidan roughly shoved the broom as revenge for Sasori dropping him. Sasori and his broom went flying into the pitch.

By now Deidara was laughing hysterically. "Come to join us, danna?" he asked, flying alongside Sasori. "Boy, if only Tobi was here, un! Now _that_ would be hilarious! Do you think he'd figure out how to fly on his own, un? Or do you think he'd crash like Hi-dumb over there? Danna, un?"

"Brat, shut up," Sasori hissed as he used his chakra strings to steer.

"It's easier if you use your feet to steer, un," Deidara commented. "Just lean the opposite way you want to turn, and lean to the back to go up and to the front to go down, un."

"_Shut up, brat_," Sasori snapped.

"You don't like flying, danna, un?" Deidara asked, laughing.

"Not like this, no," said Sasori. "You're flying bombs are better transportation than this."

"So you're finally showing appreciation for my art, un? I never thought I'd see the day!"

Finally Madame Hooch cast an immobilizing charm. "All of you, stop it! Twenty points from each of you for your recklessness! Wait. Who are you? You're not in my class, Mr. Weasley," she said to Sasori.

"What did you call me?" Sasori asked, trying to figure out why he couldn't move.

"Aren't you related to the Weasley's?" Madame Hooch asked. "Your hair is close enough to theirs."

Yahiko was baffled by his sudden immobility. _Is it an illusion and I'm really about to crash into the walls? Or is this some strange technique that we need to analyze and utilize?_ "Kai!" he said, trying to dispel the possible illusion. Nothing happened. Suddenly they were able to move.

"All of you get down. You're going to have a long talk with the heads of your houses," Madame Hooch snapped.

"Should we pull the S-rank criminal card?" asked Kisame.

"I'm not sure these civilians know what an S-rank criminal is," said Yahiko.

"That was awesome, un!" Deidara exclaimed, still on an adrenalin rush. "We've gotta show the others this!"

"We will," Yahiko said. "Tonight we're going to learn how to make and how to fly these things."

"Fly I understand," said Kisame, "but why make?"

Kakuzu, out of annoyance, had knocked out Hidan and dragged him along as he walked with his comrades. "Those things are obviously not made back at home," he said to Kisame. "Not many shinobi can fly, the exceptions being the Tsuchikage and his family. Even the ones who make means to fly can't fly like the broom can. Not even Deidara can fly like that. Air travel is something still unexplored in the shinobi lands. Can you imagine what an advantage being able to fly would be?"

"We'd leave no trails and be untraceable," said Yahiko. "This could be great! So, tonight. Zetsu, tell everyone." Zetsu nodded and slipped away.

* * *

That night, after a _long_ talking to from the heads of houses, Kakuzu and Sasori's detention for walking out of Professor Umbridge's class, and leaving clones in their beds, the Akatsuki all slipped down the to the Quidditch pitch.

"So you all were the cause of the fiasco this afternoon?" asked Nagato. "I should have guessed."

"Before we start, what story did you feed the headmaster, Konan?" asked Yahiko.

"I made up a vague sob story about us being stranded here," said Konan. "I told him we touched something and it brought us here, and the headmaster decided that it must have been something he called a 'rogue portkey'."

"What did you tell him about our backgrounds?" asked Sasori.

"I told him that Tobi, Zetsu, and Hidan have mental diseases ("What?! Jashinism isn't a disease!" Hidan exclaimed, outraged.) and that we were all orphaned, found each other, and struggled to survive until we somehow got whisked away to this strange place. I passed Nagato and Itachi's eyes and Zetsu, Kakuzu, Kisame's appearances as the result of some weird curses that we don't understand."

"Good," said Yahiko. "I hope he actually bought it. Now, we discovered a new method of transportation. The civilians here call them broomsticks. Zetsu, did you get them?" Zetsu nodded. "Good. So, you take them, say 'up', stand on them and use chakra to stick, and then push off. Someone will have to push."

"This is awesome, un!" Deidara exclaimed as he up-ed his broom, climbed on, and then explained how to steer. As he demonstrated how to go up, the broom shot up.

Yahiko scratched his head. "Ok, so you don't need a push. Alright, everyone. Try it."

Tobi enthusiastically shouted 'up', climbed on, and steered up. "WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" he shrieked as he shot away. Deidara cracked up.

"Tobi, quiet," Nagato ordered as the masked boy whizzed around the Quidditch pitch. "We can't be discovered."

"Someone needs to keep guard," said Yahiko. "Konan?"

"Of course," she said. She up-ed a broom, got on, and gently tilted it up. The broom eased into a gentle ascent.

"Oh, good. You figured out the speed control," said Kisame.

"Speed control is no [freaking] fun!" Hidan exclaimed as he climbed on and shot away.

"How do you stop?" Konan asked.

"Try leveling," Itachi suggested as he mounted and gently floated up. Konan tried and came to an easy stop.

"Everyone has to try," said Yahiko. "That means Kakuzu, Sasori, and Nagato too."

"By the way, who is Nagato?" asked Kisame as he flew near Yahiko. "I've never seen him 'round before."

"Um…" Yahiko looked at Konan, who shrugged. "Let's just say I'm actually supposed to be dead and that my body was just a puppet. Nagato is the guy with the Rinnegan who controlled the Seven Paths. According to my somewhat faulty memory, he used my corpse as his Deva Path. Hey, Nagato, why'd you need to use the Paths instead of your own body?"

"I was crippled by our enemy," said Nagato. "I couldn't fight, so I needed the Paths to do it."

"Oh. I keep saying we'll talk later, so whenever a free later comes up, we will talk, ok?" Yahiko asked his two closest friends.

"Does Zetsu have to fly too?" Kakuzu grumbled as he carefully floated up.

"Uh, yeah. Zetsu, you try too," said Yahiko. "Sasori, would you catch Tobi before he kills himself and gets eaten by Zetsu?" Sasori silently obliged.

"I figured out how to stop!" Deidara yelled. "You have to throw yourself into descent while aiming up, un." He came screeching to a stop in front of Sasori and Tobi. "Where's Hi-dumb?"

"Dunno," said Kisame. "Yo! 'Tachi! Where's Hidan?"

"He crashed into what looks like a living tree a few seconds ago," said Itachi. "Should we help him?"

"Probably," said Yahiko. "After we rescue him, I'm gonna take your opinions on broomsticks, and then we'll figure out how to make them."

"We have to make them, un?" Deidara whined.

"Yes," said Kakuzu. "I'm not spending money to get them imported from here back to the Shinobi continent."

"Stop complaining and let's move!" Yahiko ordered. There was a chorus of 'Yes, Leader-sama', and everyone flew to the 'living tree'.

"This is hilarious, un!" Deidara snorted. "If only I had a camera- then I could blackmail you with pictures of you getting beaten up by a tree, un!"

"Then he'd be a disgrace to all who call themselves S-rank criminals, brat," Sasori muttered.

"I'M GONNA [FREAKING] SACRIFICE THIS [FREAKING] THING TO [FREAKING] JASHIN-SAMA!" Hidan screamed.

"Shut up!" Nagato snapped. "Someone make him be quiet." Itachi caught Hidan in an illusion. Hidan quickly shut his mouth. "Good. Zetsu, what's the deal with this tree?"

"It guards something," Zetsu said.

"How to we stop it's flailing?" asked Konan.

"I'll do it," said Sasori. He used chakra strings to force the tree to be still. "Hurry up."

Kakuzu and Kisame dragged Hidan out. "Should I fix him up?" Kakuzu asked.

"Yeah," said Yahiko. "The medic here asks a lot of questions. Now that we've got him where can we meet?"

"The roof?" suggested Konan.

"Sure. Zetsu, put the brooms away and then join us. Where's Tobi?" asked Yahiko.

Konan flew up. "He's stuck on his broom. He's not jumping."

"Grab and let's go."

* * *

When the brooms were all put away and the rooftop meeting was over, Yahiko silently read what his organization had written down regarding broomsticks.

Yahiko: good, speedy transportation that doesn't leave a trail

Nagato: "

Konan: good, but already have means of flying, courtesy of Deidara

Kakuzu: possibly expensive to make, but useful- you won't catch me on one of them, though

Hidan: SO [FREAKING] AWESOME! I'M GONNA [FREAKING] SACRIFICE ONE TO JASHIN-SAMA AS A GIFT!

Kisame: cool, but I like walking and swimming

Itachi: very useful; will give us an advantage over our enemies

Sasori: no, just no; I don't care how useful they are- if we bring them home, there's always a chance the hidden villages will find out and make their own, which we'll then have to combat

Deidara: is Sasori-danna scared of heights?! Hahahaha I love these things almost as much as I love my art! Yeah!

Tobi: brooms are good, just like Tobi is good!

Zetsu: we don't care- we don't fly

"Everything's back in place, Leader-sama. May we **eat people** sleep now?" Zetsu asked.

"Yeah, go ahead," said Yahiko. "Tomorrow we're all gonna figure out how these things are made. Oh, and we're going to have to suffer through those stupid classes if we want to keep a low profile. So, before you go to sleep, tell everyone that we now have a mission here. We're going to learn these people's powers, translate them into our techniques, and then figure out how to go home and use our powers against people. And please inform Sasori that he is heavily outvoted regarding the brooms."

"Yes **Leader-sama**," said Zetsu.

As Zetsu slipped away, Yahiko rolled over in his bed. Why did want to make a giant illusion called the Eye of the Moon again? He'd have to ask Konan and Nagato. But it whatever the reason, the giant illusion would have to wait. The strange but wonderful techniques here were definitely better than controlling a bunch of strange, illusion-ified people.

* * *

I kinda cut out the headmaster-Akatsuki explaining stuff, because that's no fun! So it happened behind the scenes...Once again, special thanks to Meimeiaru8 for inspiring this chapter.


	4. Weasleys and Those Mistaken for Weaselys

Ok, so this is going to be the last chapter I post until Easter because I'm Christian, and I'm the sort that follows Lent and gives things up for forty days...I'm giving up extraneous media, which means no posting on Fanfiction or DeviantArt until Easter. It does not mean, however, that I have to give up writing and drawing, so I'm going to work on stuff that I can hopefully post on Easter Monday because I go to a Catholic school that gives its students Easter Monday off.

Aside from that, another round of thanks to Meimeiaru8, who gave me the idea to make Itachi a prankster. Now, because I picture Itachi as a serious character who thinks of pranks as frivolous, I decided to give him a rationale (I think that's the word) for joining the Weasley twins- he wants to keep his ninja stealth skills in shape. I'm hoping to dedicate a chapter to him and the Weasley twins at some point. Continuing...

* * *

The next day, after managing to keep Tobi from accidentally melting his sixth cauldron in a row, Itachi decided to go to the library with the two Ravenclaws of the Akatsuki.

"So Leader-sama wants us to look up spells that we can translate into ninja techniques?" he asked.

"It would appear so," Sasori said.

"You know, I'm never going to get used to seeing you outside of that ugly puppet shell you always wore," Kakuzu told the red head.

"I'm not going to get used to it either," said Sasori. "And I'm not even a puppet myself anymore. But of course, we're surrounded by civilians, so I don't feel overly vulnerable."

"As long as, of course, my ass of a partner doesn't attack you himself," Kakuzu muttered.

"I think Hidan respects Leader-sama enough to leave other Akatsuki members alone," Itachi said.

"He's an insane Jashinist," Kakuzu said as they entered the library.

"The key word was _think_," Itachi said as he headed straight for the section of the library on Defense against the Dark Arts.

"I'll check the section on dueling," Kakuzu said, leaving.

"I'll take the charms section," Sasori said, heading off.

Itachi was skimming a seventh year defense book, wondering how it was possible that he could fully read and understand another language without having formally learned it, when he heard two males discussing various ways to annoy a certain toad-like, cat-loving teacher. At first the S-rank nin ignored the two, passing off their prank-plotting as childish nonsense. But then he remembered how much Sasori and Kakuzu had complained about the woman and her complete dumbing-down of the Defense against the Dark Arts curriculum (they'd only known that the course had been changed because they'd heard older students raving about the previous two Defense teachers), and had disliked the woman and her attitude enough to walk out of her class, so he decided to investigate.

The two plotters were twin redheads who both looked like they were either sixth or seventh year students. Itachi listened as they worked on plans for dung bombs and a spell that would recolor her pink room neon colors and that would change all of her cat items into dog items. He became interested when they tried to work out a plan that would allow them to avoid being caught by the caretaker, Filch, his cat, Mrs. Norris, or the professor herself. Then, questioning his own sanity, he approached the twins.

"Oi! Hello, firstie! You didn't hear anything, ok? Now go away…" said one twin.

"…And we won't tell Madam Pince that you're reading a seventh year Defense against the Dark Arts textbook," said the other twin.

Itachi frowned. "I just want to help," he said. "I haven't taken Professor Umbridge's class yet, but I know people who have and haven't liked her at all."

"Oh? What house are you?" asked one twin.

"Hufflepuff," said Itachi.

"Smart, you don't wear your House colors after school hours," said the other twin. "I'm Fred, and I'm a Gryffindor."

"And I'm George, also a Gryffindor."

"Would you like a cream puff?" asked Fred, holding out a pastry with yellow cream.

Itachi immediately sensed that it was laced with the special wizard chakra. He politely declined. "If you want to lower your chances of getting caught while pranking Professor Umbridge, you should first observe her and learn her schedule, particularly when she leaves her office after school hours. Once you've established that, have a comrade set off a dung bomb on the other side of the school to draw away Filch and his cat. That way they'll be far away while you two can prank her office."

"Hm, he's good for a 'puff," said George. "I think…"

"That we should recruit him," Fred finished. "Guess what, kid?"

"Hn?"

"We like the way you think," said George. "In fact, you think a bit like the Marauders."

"Who are the Marauders?" asked Itachi.

"Pranksters that we emulate," said Fred. "Except the Marauders wouldn't split their group up."

"But it's a good idea," said George. "How'd you come up with it?"

"It's logic," said Itachi. "A diversionary squad draws the attention away from the hit squad, which silently does its job and leaves."

"I like it," said Fred. "Since you came up with it…"

"…Would you be interested in helping enact the plan?" asked George.

Itachi paused. Then he decided that he could use some stealth work in order to stay in practice. "I would be interested."

"Great! We'll meet you here every day until we figure out Umbridge's schedule and get a diversion team," said Fred.

Itachi nodded and drifted back into the shadows of the library, wondering what he was getting himself into.

* * *

On the other side of the library, Sasori silently skimmed an advanced charm book. He was minding his own business, when he was interrupted by a pale boy with pale eyes and pale hair.

"Didn't think the Weasley's had another kid," he said snidely.

Sasori looked up, annoyed. Did he really look that much like these Weasleys that Madam Hooch had thought he was related to? "Who are you?" he asked.

"Draco Malfoy, and you'd do well to remember that," said the pale boy.

"Of course," Sasori said, turning back to his book.

"So, are you related that Muggle-loving family?" asked Draco.

"Does it matter to you?" Sasori asked, trying to ignore him.

"Yes."

"That's too bad."

"I don't like being ignored," warned Draco.

"Too bad, because I don't like being bothered," said Sasori.

"I'm a prefect; I could easily get you in trouble for being disrespectful," said Draco.

"Wonderful. Which house am I in?" asked Sasori, knowing well that he'd changed out of the wizarding clothes he'd been loaned by one of his House-mates and gotten back into his much-preferred ninja clothes (without, of course, the flashy Akatsuki cloak).

"Gryffindor, of course," said Draco. "All Weasleys are Gryffindors."

"Ah," said Sasori.

"I'm going to march you right up to the Head of your House, as well as to your brother, and accuse you of disrespect to a prefect!" Draco exclaimed.

"Fine, fine; just let me check out my book," said Sasori lazily.

"No, we're going _now_," Draco snapped.

"Fine. Kakuzu, I'm leaving this here. Make sure no one grabs it," Sasori said over his shoulder as he followed Draco. He heard either Kakuzu or Itachi grunt in acknowledgement.

Sasori followed Draco for no other reason than that he was bored. He couldn't wait to see the pale prefect's face when he learned that he was not, in fact, a Weasley. It would teach him not to make assumptions based on who-knows-what, and it would be amusing to watch Draco make a fool out of himself in front of the Head of Gryffindor and his supposed brother.

Draco went straight to Professor McGonagall's office and asked that she call a Ronald Weasley there. Five minutes later, a confused redhead walked into the office.

"Weasley, I'm charging your little relative with disrespect to his betters," said Draco.

"My relative?" Ron asked. "Which one?"

"This one!" Draco exclaimed, pointing at Sasori.

"You clearly didn't pay attention during the Sorting, Malfoy," said Ron. "That's one of those last-second exchange students who turned up."

"What?" Draco asked. He turned to Sasori. "You told me you were a Weasley and a Gryffindor!"

"I said nothing of the sort," said Sasori.

"What's your name?" Draco demanded.

"I'm called Akasuna no Sasori," said Sasori. "Or, Sasori of the Red Sand."

"Strange name," said Ron. "Why red? Because of your hair?"

"Because I'm known for turning the sand red wherever I go," Sasori said, smiling slightly. He wasn't going to tell these civilians _how_ exactly he turned the sand red, of course, but a half-truth was better than a straight-out lie. "Tell me, Prefect Malfoy, why did you think I was a Weasley?"

"Because of your red hair," said Draco. "All Weasleys have red hair."

"But are all redheads Weasleys?" asked Professor McGonagall. Draco didn't answer.

"I'm not a Weasley, and I'm not in Gryffindor," said Sasori. "I'm an exchange student in Ravenclaw. Never take things at surface appearance, and never, ever, make assumptions based off surface appearances. You're more likely to make a fool out of yourself or get yourself killed that way." He turned to Professor McGonagall. "May I leave, Professor?"

"Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "You too, Mr. Weasley. You're both dismissed."

As they walked out of the office, Ron turned to Sasori. "That was so funny! Too bad you're not actually a Gryffindor. I like you. So, why didn't you just tell Malfoy that you weren't a Weasley?"

"One, because he probably wouldn't believe me, and two, because it would be fun to see him learn that he can't make assumptions based on appearances," said Sasori.

"That sounds like a Ravenclaw answer if I ever heard one," said Ron. "So, uh, if the Slytherins give you any trouble, just give me a shout, ok?"

Sasori nodded and went back to the library.

"What was that all about?" Itachi asked, handing Sasori his book.

"Some prefect thought I was related to someone he knew, and decided to charge me with disrespect to my betters because I wouldn't give him a straight answer," Sasori said. "I think his ego's been brought down a few notches."

"Hn," said Itachi.

* * *

Gotta love the universal Uchiha answer. I don't even know if that's canon- I've just read so many fics that include it that it's kinda made itself canon to me. Yes, Sasori totally shamed Draco. He's an evil little puppet! I don't know whether to make Draco mad at him or interested in him. Mad would probably be more in character, but what if Deidara has someone to compete with for the position of 'brat'? Though Sasori can't really call Draco 'brat' because technically, Draco's four years older than him... Disregard my rambling.

I'll see you in about forty days!


	5. Planning Is Troublesome

It feels so good to be back after six weeks of no unnecessary media! Well, I feel like I wrote a lot of nothing in this chapter and that it was messy and had no real plot...feel free to tell me otherwise ;)

* * *

Itachi waited in the back of the library like the twins had ordered. They were late. To pass the time, he Sharingan-read advanced charm books for Leader-sama, who still was acting off, was particularly interested in the one that allowed human detection. Finally the twins arrived. Itachi quickly deactivated his eyes.

"Sorry we're late," said one.

"We had to double back to escape Filch," said the other.

"I'm sorry for sounding ignorant, but which of you is which?" Itachi asked, looking at them.

"I'm Fred," said the one who'd spoken second.

"I'm George," said the other. "Don't worry about it."

"Mum's mixed us up a bunch of time," said Fred. "Now, we've got a plan for watching Umbridge, and we've got a potential diversion team. They should be here soon."

"Hn?" Itachi asked, interested. "Who?"

"Well, our little brother and his two best friends are interested in getting back at Umbridge," said George.

"And our friend Lee Jordan is interested too," said Fred. "He's got a detention, though, so he can't come today."

"How many people do you think you'll need for the diversion squad?" asked Itachi, closing his charm book.

"Um…" The twins looked at each other. "The more the merrier!" Fred said at last.

"Or rather," said George, "the more Filch and Mrs. Norris have to hunt down, the better!"

"Not to mention Peeves," Fred said. "He could be a problem…"

"Who is Peeves?" asked Itachi.

"He's the resident poltergeist of Hogwarts," said George. "He's a pain because he's always pulling pranks, but he's always calling Filch on us."

"What's a poltergeist again?" Itachi asked.

"It's a pranking ghost with a mean spirit," said Fred.

"Peeves could be a problem," said Itachi. "You'll need another diversion squad to keep him occupied."

"Peeves is a poltergeist," said George. "He's hard to catch because he's not material, and he's even harder to control. Only the Slytherin ghost, the Bloody Baron can keep him under control."

"And George and I only have so many friends willing to risk detention with Filch, Umbridge, or anyone else," said Fred.

"I'll gather some of my friends for a diversionary squad, then," said Itachi.

"Friends…like who?" asked George.

"I'll go get them," said Itachi. He checked out his book and headed for the exit without waiting for the twins reply. As soon as he ensured that he was alone, he body flickered away.

First he traced Deidara and Hidan's chakra to the Quidditch pitch. The pitch was empty except for the Gryffindor nin, two of which were sparring and yelling at each other while the other lounged in the shade. When Kisame felt Itachi's chakra, he sat up and waved to his comrade.

"Yo, 'Tachi!" he yelled.

"Hello, Kisame. Has your personality been affected as well as Leader-sama's?" Itachi asked.

"Nope! I'm just feelin'…I dunno. Young, maybe? Youthful?" Kisame scratched his head.

"Please don't use that word," said Itachi. "It reminds me of someone from my village."

"Which one? Youthful?" Kisame asked.

"Yes. And I'd use the word _childish_," said Itachi.

"Wait…you're not talking about that self-proclaimed 'Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha', are you?" Kisame asked. "I've fought that guy a couple of times, and he claimed to not remember me, the annoying bugger."

Itachi gave him a look. "Isn't that what you want him to do? If he remembered you, he'd know your strategies."

Kisame blinked. "Oh. Right. That didn't occur to me."

"Hey! What're you doing here, un?" asked Deidara as he fended off a furious Hidan.

"I'm recruiting all three of you to a diversion squad," said Itachi.

"A diversion squad? For what, un?" Deidara asked, interested.

"I suppose you three have heard Sasori and Kakuzu complaining about how awful Professor Umbridge is, correct?" Itachi asked.

"Oh my [freaking] Jashin, Kakuzu can talk [freaking] [shoot] about the [witch] for almost as [freaking] long as he can about money!" Hidan exclaimed.

"Yeah, danna told me about her and her bad attitude, un," said Deidara. "I can't wait for her class, 'cause I'm gonna spit her bad attitude right back at her, un!"

"The diversion squad I'm gathering is for a group effort that will go into making Professor Umbridge's life difficult," said Itachi.

Hidan didn't wait for further explanation. "I'm [freaking] in!" he yelled. "Kakuzu won't [freaking] shut up about her, so I'm more than happy to screw with the [witch]."

"I'll grab Kakuzu and Sasori as well," said Itachi. "Go to the library. There's a pair of redhead twins waiting at the back tables. They're directing the plan."

"Get Tobi too, un," said Deidara. "Even though he's annoying as heck, he'll be a great diversion, and I don't care if he's gets a detention or not, un."

"I will," Itachi said. "I'm not going to send him, though. He's too loud."

"Well, let's find these twins," Kisame started saying as Itachi body flickered away.

Kakuzu and Sasori weren't hard to reach; they were sitting in their room, counting money and fiddling with puppets respectively. Itachi scaled the wall and tapped on their window. Sasori flicked a finger and opened it with a chakra string. "What?" he asked.

"Go to the back of the library and look for the red-haired twins if you want to assist in annoying Professor Umbridge," Itachi said.

"What's with these civilians and red hair?" Itachi heard Sasori mutter as he body flickered to his dorm to put away his charm book.

When he returned to the library, the Ravenclaw and Gryffindor nin were whispering with Fred and George about the plan.

"Where is your diversion squad?" Itachi asked Fred and George.

"If we still had the Marauder's map, we'd tell you," said George.

"We can only assume that they had a run-in with Snape, Filch, or someone," said Fred.

"I sense that red-haired prefect who's relative I was mistaken for," Sasori said.

"Red-haired prefect?" asked George. "Finally."

Two boys and a girl, all younger than Fred and George, approached. "Sorry, guys," said the black-haired boy with green eyes and a peculiar scar, "We passed Malfoy, who made a nasty remark to Ron, who-"

"Who just couldn't keep his mouth shut and walk away," said the girl.

"Hey! It's that Ravenclaw Weasley I was telling you guys about," said the red-head.

"Alright, you guys," said Fred. "These are Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They're going to be part of one of our diversion teams. Harry, Ron, and Hermione, these are…" Fred took a deep breath.

George finished. "Ok, the dark-skinned one is Kakuzu, and his red-haired housemate that you seem to know is Sasori. Then you've got these three Gryffindors who I'm sure you've seen hanging around the common room. The blue-skinned one is Kisame, the long-haired blonde is Deidara, and the albino is Hidan. And finally, you've got the inventor of the diversion-team idea is the Hufflepuff Itachi."

"Hi," said Harry.  
"Nice to meet you," said Hermione.

"You have blue skin!" Ron exclaimed, looking at Kisame.

"And you've got hair redder than Sasori's," said Kisame. "Who, by the way, looks nothing like you."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you, Kisame," said Sasori.

"We also will have one more joining us, but he's busy right now," said Itachi. "His name is Tobi, and he's a master of distraction."

"You can say that again, un," muttered Deidara.

"Right," said Fred. "Lee's gonna work with us too, but he's been detained. So…" He looked at George.

"The first stage of the plan is information gathering," said George. "We need to learn Umbridge's daily schedule."

"But that's going to take forever!" Harry exclaimed.

"No, it won't," said Kakuzu. "One of our friends excels at spying. We'll have him work on that. He should be good by next week. Meanwhile, we need to make an inventory of what we're going to use. We want to be cost-efficient, of course. There's no point in over-spending if we can make some of what we need from scratch."

"Say, why is Hidan being quiet?" asked Itachi, looking at the Jashinist. To his surprise, Hidan was sitting still, being silent, though his mouth was moving violently. Itachi looked at Sasori, who shrugged and held up a hand. Itachi frowned, and then, concentrating, said in the language of the Shinobi nations, "_I didn't think chakra strings could hold the vocal cords_."

Sasori glanced at the twins and made a swooshing motion with his hand, as if holding a wand. "Ah," Itachi said, understanding.

"I like that technique, un," said Deidara. "If we get Konan to translate it into one of our types of techniques, maybe we can get Tobi to shut up for once, un."  
"Why do you say 'un'?" asked Ron.

"It's natural, un," said Deidara.

"It's a speech impediment," said Sasori.

"It's not impeding, un!" Deidara said hotly, glaring at Sasori.

"It's annoying," Sasori said.

"Ugh, you're annoying, danna, un!" Deidara exclaimed.

"I'm not sure who's more a brat- you or that blonde prefect from yesterday," said Sasori.

Deidara looked offended. "There's someone who annoys you more than me, un?" he asked.

"He competes," Sasori said flatly.

"Malfoy?" asked Ron.

"Yes," said Sasori.

"Can we get back to the matter at hand now?" asked Kakuzu.

"Which was?" Kisame asked.

"Inventory," said Kakuzu.

"Right," said George. "We'll need dung bombs for diversion, and we'll need to look up color-changing charms."

"Why dung bombs, un?" asked Deidara. "I could make real ones."

"Good joke," said Harry.

"I'm not joking, un!" Deidara exclaimed.

"You're joking," said Itachi. "I'm sure Kakuzu doesn't want to pay for the fixtures."

"No, I don't," said Kakuzu.

"Fine, un," Deidara grumbled.

"Wait, you've seriously got bombs?" asked Fred.

"How'd you smuggle them in?" asked George.

"I don't," said Deidara. "See, my-"

"_They don't need to know_," Sasori hissed in the language of the Shinobi nations.

"Fine, fine, un," Deidara grumbled.

"What did he say?" asked Harry. "Itachi spoke in that other language before too. What language is that?"

"Speak in it again," Hermione ordered.

"Wait…you were speaking in another language, danna, un?" Deidara asked.

Sasori shrugged. "_I'm speaking in the language of the Shinobi lands. Think about it, and then answer me._"

"Fine, un," said Deidara. "What am I supposed to think about, un?"

"_Whoa, there _is _another language_," Kisame said. "_I didn't even realize it!_"

"I'm no expert, but I think you guys are speaking one of the Asian languages," said Hermione. "Give me a second, and I'll check."

"Can we get back to the inventory now?" Kakuzu asked, clearly irritated. "Dung bombs and color-changing charms can't be all we need. What about techniques that will change Umbridge's cat items into dog items? You two mentioned something like that," he said to the twins.

"Right. Now, Fred and I may be seventh year students, but when it comes to transfiguration that's not prank related, we're a little weak," said George.

"So that's where Hermione comes in," said Fred. "Oi! Hermione, we don't care what language the exchange-transfer-whichever students speak. All we care about is plotting this."

"Fine," Hermione grumbled. "You need transfiguration spells? Why bother? We could just cast an illusion on it to make it look turned."

"Aside from the how," Harry broke in, "we need to know the who. Who's going to distract Filch and Peeves, and who's going to actually break into the office?"

"Hm…" Fred and George looked at each other. "Well, who wants to risk detention with Umbridge versus Filch?"

Kakuzu shook his head. "That's no way to go about it. Who knows better what will draw away Filch and Peeves? How does one detain something made of pure spirit? How will we communicate? Those are the types of questions we should be asking. Otherwise this whole thing will fail and will be a waste of all of our time."

"Kakuzu is right," Hermione said. "Since I'm the best at transfiguration here, I'll go into Umbridge's office. Also, since Harry has an invisibility cloak, he should go to Umbridge's office."

"We've dealt with Peeves before," said Fred.

"We'll distract him," George agreed. "And we'll take Lee with us."

"Since Ron is used to working with us, he should come with us," said Harry.

"That's a lot of us distracting Filch," Kisame commented.

"Agreed," said Sasori. "I say we send Hidan, Deidara, and Tobi after Filch and the cat. You older people can do as you want. But we do need someone who can communicate and strategize effectively should something go wrong. Is there any technique that will allow us to keep track of each other?"

"The Marauders' Map!" Fred exclaimed. "Someone can stay behind and monitor it while we all go to work."

"How will we communicate, though?" Ron asked.

"If only walkie-talkies worked here," Hermione said.

"What's that?" asked George.

"They're muggle devices that you talk into and everyone who has one can hear," said Harry. "Unfortunately, they're electronic. However, I was thinking, you know how Riddle used the diary to write back and forth to me? Well, what if we charmed paper to work as a sort of walkie-talkie? It'd be quieter than actual walkie-talkies because all you need to do is write, and it'd be easy to shove away and hide."

"I like the way you think, Harry," Fred said. "Hermione, do you think you could work on that?"

"Yes," she said.

"So," said Itachi, "We've got Fred, George, and their friend Lee distracting Peeves; Hidan, Deidara, and Tobi distracting Filch and his cat; and Harry, Hermione, and Ron going into Umbridge's office. That leave Sasori, Kakuzu, Kisame, and I to monitor this Marauders' Map that you mentioned."

"What about Umbridge herself?" Kakuzu asked.

"Zetsu should be able to tell us where she goes and what she does on her breaks," Itachi said. "He can keep an eye on her, and he can tell us if anything goes wrong."

"Sounds good," said Fred.

"For the fourth time, let's hear an inventory," Kakuzu demanded.

"Dung bombs," said George. "Lots of dung bombs." Kakuzu nodded.

"How about smoke bombs for escape purposes, un?" Deidara asked.

"As long as you don't make them, brat," Sasori muttered. Deidara sulked.

"Can you make dung bombs from scratch?" asked Kakuzu.

"Probably; why?" asked Ron.

"Because we don't want anyone tracing purchases," Kakuzu said.

"Don't worry, the teachers don't trace Hogsmeade purchases," Hermione said. "That's good thinking, though."

"Aw, man! Malfoy!" Harry exclaimed. "He and his buddies would do anything to get us in trouble."

"You mentioned an invisibility cloak?" Itachi reminded him.

"Yeah, but it doesn't muffle sound," Ron said.

"Then be quiet," Sasori said.

"Someone needs to stand guard outside of Umbridge's office," Kakuzu said. "Kisame, you're hired."

"Cool. I wasn't looking forward to watching some map," Kisame said.

"Speaking of this map, how does it work?" asked Itachi.

"You tap it with your wand and say 'I solemnly swear that I am up to no good' and an entire map of Hogwarts will appear. It'll show where people are, so you should be able to trace us anywhere," said Harry.

"We don't have wands," said Kakuzu.

"We'll activate it for you before we go," said Hermione. "Wait. Why don't you have wands?"

"Couldn't afford them," Kakuzu said gruffly.

"So how did you get in here?" asked Ron.

"Headmaster's generosity, un?" Deidara guessed.

"Are dung bombs and smoke bombs really the only thing on our inventory?" asked Kakuzu.

"You and your inventory, un!" Deidara exclaimed.

"Lighten up and live a little," Fred said.

"Things like this are only fun if there's some excitement," George said with a nod.

Kakuzu shook his head. "Poorly thought out plans always end poorly. Even Deidara and Hidan have a strategy before acting."

"Yeah, un," Deidara said with a nod. "Hey! What do you mean, 'Even Deidara and Hidan'?"

"Speaking of Hidan, how long will that silencing technique last?" asked Kakuzu. "It's nice to hear him not talking."

"It usually lasts for an hour, I think," said Hermione.

"I take that dung bombs and smoke bombs really are the only thing on our list, then," Kakuzu said. When no one answered him, he sighed. "How will you and your friend deal with Peeves?"

"We've dealt with him before," said George.

"We'll deal with him again," Fred said.

"Fine," said Kakuzu. "Team Twins has Peeves taken care of. Team Invisible will take Umbridge's office. The guard combo will keep their eyes on Umbridge at their stations. Team Tracking and Communication will meet here. And Team Deidara will take your various bombs and keep Filch away."

"Yeah, un!"

Hidan, who was still being forced to sit still by Sasori, struggled indignantly. Kakuzu blinked at him. "Deidara's team leader because a) he's good with bombs, b) Tobi's not the sharpest shuriken in the holster, c) you're too reckless, and d) hopefully Sasori's rubbed off on him because I sure as heck haven't rubbed off on you."

"I like the cool team names," George said.

"There's gotta be some way of good communication," said Kakuzu.

"How long do you think it'll take Zetsu to get Umbridge's schedule down?" asked Kisame.

"Who's Zetsu?" asked Ron.

"The one who we said would learn Umbridge's schedule for us," said Itachi. "I'll keep in touch with him."

"Cool," said Harry.

"I think we're all set," said Fred. "Hermione, you'll make sure Ron and Harry know what they're doing, right?"

"Of course," said Hermione.

"Then we're done here," said George. "Disperse."

* * *

Well, there it is. Six weeks worth of having no idea what to do with myself. Don't forget that I'm always in need of new plot ideas! This story is basically a bunch of one-shots somehow strung together. It'll take Zetsu time to gather all of the information on Umbridge, so if you have a wacky idea pop up in your head, just let me know and I'll see what I can do with it. And, of course, I'll credit you. Which reminds me, thanks still to Meimeiaru8 who got me started on the pranking idea.

Now I guess I've got to do homework and catch up on all my unread manga... Until next time (which could be pretty much any time starting maybe from what's left of our cut-short April break)!


	6. Miscellaneous Things Bored Ninjas Do

An I'm back. Finals are coming up, so don't expect anything for a bit.

To me, this isn't the most exciting chapter, and I feel like it's a little patch-work-ish. That's probably because I pieced this together in my pretty much nonexistent spare time. Oh, why do I have to be such a motivated student? Getting good grades eats all my time! Oh well. Continuing.

* * *

"Please explain to me again why you all decided to get involved in something as idiotic as pranking a teacher," Nagato ordered in a very annoyed tone.

"Aw, don't be such a downer, 'Gato," Yahiko said.

"The idea is moronic," Nagato said flatly. "We're staying here to learn the techniques of this place, not to annoy the teachers."

"But Leader-sama, you haven't taken class with the witch yet, un!" Deidara exclaimed.

"Yeah! Once you [freaking] get to know the [witch], you'll [freaking] understand why we don't have anything against doing [shoot] to her," said Hidan in his usual eloquent fashion.

"Itachi, I wouldn't expect such antics to be rooted in you," Nagato said, turning to the now-eleven-year-old, ex-ANBU, S-rank criminal.

"My reasoning was simply to use such a childish mission for keeping our skills sharp," said Itachi. "I'm sorry that you do not approve. If you wish, I will cut our involvement in the plot."

"Ugh…" Nagato pinched the bridge of his nose. "Konan, Yahiko, can I talk to you in private?" The two in question nodded, and they slipped away into the shadows.

"What do you think about this act of idiocy?" Nagato asked his two closest friends.

"I think we should let them do it and just stay out of it," said Konan. "If they want to make fools of themselves, that's fine. They can make fools of themselves."

"Yeah," said Yahiko. "We're not S-rank criminals here. We're just eleven year old kids. Speaking of which, how did we get to be S-rank criminals? When I was in charge, we were freedom fighters for Amegakure."

"Ah," said Nagato. "It's a long story (**that the author doesn't remember well…and it would involve Tobi being the evil Madara/Obito, and not the happy, funny, and a little more than slightly retarded guy that we all love**). But our goal became to capture the Tailed Beasts in order to create a giant illusion that would create peace."

"That's cool, but there's a catch," said Yahiko. "Peace can't be created. It can only be achieved through, unfortunately, blood, sweat, and tears. And that's what Akatsuki was supposed to be about. It was supposed to be about using our powers as ninjas to fight for that peace that we all longed for, not about capturing chakra monsters in order to create an illusion. An illusion's just that- an illusion. It's pretend. An illusion of peace isn't real peace. It's pretend peace."

Nagato's head drooped. "I'm sorry," he said. "I failed you as your successor."

Yahiko put his hands on his friend's shoulders. "Don't be so down. You kept our group and our dream of peace alive in your own way. Now cheer up and let's use our time at this place to our advantage."

Nagato nodded. "I take it you approve of the pranking plan?" he asked.

"Yep. It'll keep Hidan and Deidara from destroying each other and it'll give us something to keep us from dying of boredom," said Yahiko.

"And it will keep our skills sharp," said Konan. "We can't afford to lose our touch just because we're in this strange environment. I'm working on a way to get back with Sasori and Kakuzu. Tobi's time-space technique will come in handy. Now how about we go back out and tell them all that we approve?"

"Sounds good," said Yahiko. The Amegakure trio came out of the shadows. "Ok, you lot," said Yahiko. "Your pranking plan is a go."

"[Freaking] yes!" Hidan cheered. "Lord Jashin will be [freaking] pleased by the [shoot] we give that [freaking] [witch]!"

"Uh…yeah," said Yahiko, sweatdropping. "That's great, Hidan. Now, Zetsu, you do what Itachi said and go keep tabs on Umbridge. Don't eat her just yet."

"Yes, **Leader-sama**," said Zetsu as he melted away.

"Do you wish to take part in this, Leader, sir?" asked Itachi.

"Uh…" Yahiko glanced at Nagato and Konan.

"Someone needs to be able to come up with a reasonable alibi for you boys," said Konan. "I'm not going to go out pranking, but I'll vouch for your innocence."

"As shall I," said Nagato.

"Um, I will too," said Yahiko.

"Cool, un," said Deidara.

"Now tell us again how this plan is going to work," said Nagato. "Zetsu is to gather information on Umbridge. That's great. But what about all of you ?"

Kakuzu took a deep breath. "A trio of older students is going to distract that annoying mass of chakra they call a poltergeist. Another trio of students, also older, has means of becoming invisible, and therefore will do the actual breeching of the professor's office. Deidara, Hidan, and Tobi are going to distract the janitor and his cat."

"Tobi is allowed to go on the mission with Deidara? Yay!" the masked boy cheered.

"Quiet," Kakuzu said sharply. "Deidara's team leader, so you'll do everything he says, got it?" Tobi nodded. "Continuing. Zetsu will tail the professor to make sure she doesn't suddenly change her schedule. Kisame will guard the professor's office to make sure the invisible trio doesn't have any unwanted company. And then Itachi, Sasori, and I will use some device called the Marauder's Map to see where everyone is and to make sure that everything is running smoothly. Apparently we're going to have some means of communication that will allow us to converse in writing. I think that's it."

"Cool," said Yahiko.

"We'll come up with reasonable alibis for all of you," said Konan. "I'll tell you them as soon as I come up with them."

"But if you can't come up with anything, Hidan gets the detention," said Kakuzu.

"What the [freak]?!" Hidan asked.

"You do to yourself what would kill an ordinary person in order to appease your god," said Kakuzu. "You'll survive."

Hidan grumbled, but didn't say anything. "Why would I even [freaking] need to get the detention if we [freaking] get caught? Didn't Leader's [witch] just say that she'd come up with some [shoot] for us?"

"What did you just call me?" Konan demanded.

"What did you just call her?" Yahiko and Nagato asked dangerously.

"Oh, [shoot]," was all Hidan was able to say before two very angry boys from Amegakure attacked him.

* * *

"You had that coming, un," Deidara said with a snort as he and Kisame headed back to the Gryffindor tower.

"It's [freaking] bad enough that Leader was a [freaking] serious 'we-must-capture-the-[freaking]-tailed-beasts' [freak]er," Hidan grumbled, nursing his quickly healing wounds. "Now there are [freaking] two of the [freakers]!"

"I should keep track of how many times you use the word [freak] a day," said Kisame. "I could make a bet with Kakuzu and make some serious dough."

"Never bet against Kakuzu," Sasori advised as he headed for the Ravenclaw tower.

"Speaking of the [freaking] stitch-filled [shoot] head, where is he?" asked Hidan.

"He's hunting down the red-haired twins," said Sasori. "Something about the inventory being insufficient."

"Stupid Kakuzu and his stupid inventory, un," muttered Deidara as he and the other Gryffindor ninjas headed over to the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Kisame, do you remember the password?"

Kisame shrugged and said the password. The Fat Lady swung open, admitting the three de-aged ninjas. When they entered the common room, they were pulled aside by Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "What, un?" Deidara asked.

"Just thought you might want to know some stuff about Filch," said Harry.

"Uh…why, un?"

"You three are distracting him and his cat," Hermione reminded them.

"Right," said Kisame. "Whatcha got for us?"

"Mrs. Norris is like a little watch dog," Ron said. "She somehow knows just where to find you, and then runs off to alert her master."

"So all have to do is kill the little [freaker's] sense of smell?" Hidan asked.

"Well, then you've got to deal with Filch himself," Harry said.

"We can avoid him," Kisame said.

"And we can distract him," Deidara said. "Are there any bathrooms that I can blow up?"

"Uh, yeah," said Harry. "Try Moaning Myrtle's bathroom."

"Which is that?" Kisame asked as he forced Hidan to stay and listen.

"It's on the first floor, just outside of the Great Hall," said Hermione. "Be careful, though. It's a girl's bathroom."

"Doesn't matter, un," said Deidara.

"Yeah, 'cause blondie's hair is so [freaking] pretty that he'd be able to get in there without looking funny," Hidan said with a snort.

"I don't look like a girl, un!" Deidara fumed at his housemate. Hidan childishly stuck his tongue out at him. "Whatever, un," said Deidara. "I'm gonna head up and make some art."

"I guess I'd better do our homework then," said Kisame with a sigh.

"I'm going out to pray, and you [freakers] better let me do so in peace," Hidan yelled as he ran up to the dorm and ten seconds later came running back down wearing a heavy cloak.

"He's fast," Harry noted as he, Ron, Hermione, and the young ninjas watched the albino zip out the tower entrance.

"Nah," said Kisame.

"If that's not fast then what is?" asked Ron.

"Man, you should see Sasori-danna when he's using his puppets," said Deidara, "or Itachi when he's fighting. Now _that's_ fast, un."

"Hey, what about me?" Kisame asked. "I'm a tailed beast without tails, remember? I'm fast _and_ strong. I could beat 'Tachi in a battle of endurance any day."

"Without getting Sharinganed, un?" asked Deidara.

"Uh…" Kisame trailed off. "Let's go."

"Fine, un," Deidara said. "You just don't wanna hang around because I'm actually beating you at an argument."

"You wish, blondie," Kisame snorted as he and Deidara headed up to their dorm room.

"What a strange bunch," said Hermione.

"Man, I kinda wanna see Itachi fight and Sasori use puppets now," said Ron. "If Hidan's not fast, then I wanna see them."

"I wonder what they were talking about, 'tailed beast without tails' and 'getting Sharinganed'," Harry said. "And Kisame mentioned that he was going to do all of their homework too."

"Well, whatever deal they have seems to work," said Hermione. "For now, let's decide what we're going to do in Professor Umbridge's room."

* * *

Hidan entered the castle sometime after midnight. He'd just had a great prayer session with Jashin, who wanted him to make Umbridge suffer. As he passed the Great Hall, he remembered that the bathroom Deidara was going to blow up was nearby. Feeling a funny chakra inside, he headed over to investigate. Opening the door, he held the knife he'd snagged from1 the dinner table to perform his rituals under his cloak.

"Just my [freaking] luck," he muttered to himself as he crept into the bathroom. "I go out to pray, and I end up having to deal with some [freaker] with chakra who thinks he can sneak around with the Akatsuki nearby and get away with it."

"What are you doing in the girl's bathroom at night?" a girl's voice asked from behind him.

Hidan whipped around and slashed wildly with his steak knife. "What the [freak]?! How in Jashin's name did you get behind me without me [freaking] noticing you, [witch]?"

"That's not very nice," said the girl. Hidan gaped. He could feel that she was made entirely out of chakra, and he could see that his steak knife had had no effect on her.

"What the [freak] do you want?" Hidan asked. "What sort of Jashin-damned thing are you?"

"I don't like you," the girl decided. She swooshed out. "HEEEEEEEELLLLLP! STUDENT OUT OF BED! STUDENT IN THE HALLS! STUDENT IN MY BATHROOM!"

"What the [freak]?!" Hidan yelled. "Shut the [freak] up, you crazy [witch]!" He made a mad grab for her, but his hands passed through her. "[Freak]. Made entirely of pure [freaking] chakra."

"This way, Mrs. Norris!" he heard a man say as footsteps echoed down the hall.

"[Freak]," Hidan hissed. "Leader and 'Kuzu won't let me hear the end of this if I get caught." Without a further thought, Hidan jumped up and attached himself to the wall with chakra. Then he bolted.

"He went that way," he heard the chakra girl say as he ran. "He climbed on the wall."

Hidan kept running until he stopped at the Fat Lady's portrait. "[Freak]," he groaned. "I can't remember the [freaking] password!" Wracking his brains, he finally decided to climb out the window and wait for Filch and Mrs. Norris to track him down and pass him. When Filch and Mrs. Norris finally caught up and got thoroughly confused by the sudden end of his trail at the window, Hidan cheered silently. Then he broke into his dorm room through the window that Kisame and Deidara had decided to lock on him.

* * *

The next morning, Itachi noticed that Filch was eyeing the Gryffindors, particularly Hidan. Konan and Nagato clearly had also noticed, because after breakfast, Nagato pulled the Jashinist aside.

"Why is the janitor keeping tabs on you?" he demanded.

"I was only [freaking] out praying, and I stopped by the spot that Blondie wants to [freaking] bomb. There was this [witch] made out of chakra floating around in there, and she [freaking] started screaming [shoot] and got the janitor and his cat chasing me. I led them up to the tower before climbing outside to [freaking] lose them," Hidan said.

Konan sighed. "Hidan, have you ever thought that you're very noticeable?" she asked.

Hidan grinned. "I should be, [w-], I mean, lady," he said, glancing at Nagato, who was glaring at him. "I'm a devout follower of Jashin, and so I'm blessed with good looks."

"That's not what I mean, Hidan," Konan said. "You've got silver hair and pink eyes. You're very recognizable."

"So?" Hidan asked.

"So you're very easy to get a description of," said Konan.

"And?" Hidan asked. "You're kinda wasting my time here."

"And you can expect a detention from the janitor very soon," Nagato said. "Konan, Itachi, Tobi, we're leaving."

"Wait- what?!" Hidan spluttered. Then he noticed Filch coming over.

"I just talked to Moaning Myrtle," the man said, standing over the de-aged S-rank criminal. "She gave me a description of a first year with silver hair and pink eyes that attack her last night. Mrs. Norris led me up to the Gryffindor tower last night before we lost him. You're the only Gryffindor first year with silver hair and pink eyes that I see."

"So…?" Hidan asked, sensing a surprising amount of killing intent from the civilian.

"So you've earned yourself detention for the week for being out of bed past curfew, being in the girl's bathroom, attacking someone, and running from responsibility," said Filch. "I'll see you tonight next to Professor Umbridge's office. The professor has wanted to talk to you about your discipline in her class lately anyway. And if you're not there, the weeks of detention will just keep piling on."

Deidara and Kisame snorted as Filch walked away. "Great, un! You don't even need to bail us all out to get detention!" Deidara laughed.

"Shut the [freak] up, blondie," Hidan growled.

* * *

And there you have it. That sets me up for a little idea that Alibi Nonsense suggested. I hope you enjoyed. Don't forget, if you have any ideas that you want to share, please review! Until next time.


	7. Why Jashinism Isn't a Wizarding Religion

I couldn't get this out of my mind and I kinda need to focus during school now since teachers are regretting not planning their material appropriately and are therefore cramming to get everything they need to in for the finals. So my readers benefit by having me update quicker than usual. Special appreciation goes to **Alibi Nonsense**, who at some point a while back got me started on the whole Umbridge-Hidan-blood quill thing. Enjoy.

* * *

Hidan grumbled and cursed his luck and Jashin as Kakuzu escorted him to Professor Umbridge's office. "Don't make any more of a fool out of yourself than you already have," Kakuzu muttered as he shoved his immortal comrade in front of the door.

"As if I, a devout [freaking] follower of [freaking] Jashin-sama, will stay in that [freaking] room painted with glowing pink [shoot] and listen to some heathen [witch] lecture me about [freaking] _discipline_," Hidan seethed. "I'm a [freaking] S-rank Jashinist! I [freaking] kill twenty of that [witch] without even asking [freaking] Jashin-sama's blessing!"

"That's great," Kakuzu said as he knocked on the door and body-flickered away when they heard rustling inside the room.

"[Freak] you, you [freaking] miser," Hidan grumbled as Professor Umbridge opened the door.

"Oh my, my, my," Professor Umbridge said, shaking her head. "I can see that we have a lot of work to do."

"Like [shoot] we do, [freaking] [witch]," Hidan spat.

"Indeed we do, young man," Professor Umbridge said.

"What are ya gonna [freaking] do? [Freaking] lecture me?" Hidan asked as he plopped down in a chair. "Lemme get [freaking] comfy. I'm gonna [freaking] be hearing [shoot] from you all night."

Professor Umbridge looked slightly perturbed for a moment, and then smiled a sugary sweet smile. "Oh, I'm not going to lecture you, Mr. No-last-name," she said. "You're going to write lines."

"Great," Hidan snapped. "[Freaking] great. How many?" he asked as Professor Umbridge handed him a quill pen.

"Just until I think the message has, ah, sunk in," Professor Umbridge said. She placed a piece of paper in front of him.

"What the [freak] am I even supposed to write?" Hidan asked, casually scratching his head with the quill.

"First you will write one line that says 'I will arrive at detention properly dressed'," the professor said as she flicked her wand and Hidan's wrinkled and poorly-kept uniform fixed itself.

"Hey! Ties are [freaking] tight, and tucked shirts feel like [shoot]!" Hidan shouted.

"Write the line," Professor Umbridge said sweetly.

"[Freaking] fine," Hidan muttered. "'I will…arrive…at detention…properly…dressed," the Jashinist said as he wrote in a messy scrawl. "Heh. [Freaking] red ink. Is everything in you [freaking] room red-based?"

Professor Umbridge looked at him. "Do you feel it?" she asked.

"[Freaking] feel what?" Hidan asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Your left hand," Professor Umbridge said, looking perturbed again.

Hidan raised his left hand. A cut in his own messy scrawl was slowly healing. To Professor Umbridge's great shock and surprise, a huge grin spread over his face. "[Freaking] sweet! I think I might be [freaking] changing my mind about you, you [witch]!" he exclaimed. "Where'd you get these [freaking] awesome things? Did [freaking] Jashin-sama himself bestow these upon you?"

Professor Umbridge stared at him, shook herself, and then finally said, "Write 'I will be disciplined'. And write it until I say stop."

"With this thing? [Freak] yeah!" Hidan exclaimed as he busily started writing.

Professor Umbridge stared at Hidan as he wrote lines as quickly as possible. His left hand bled and bled and bled, but he didn't seem to care. When Hidan hit a pace so fast that the cuts didn't heal fully before he started over, his blood started dripping down his hand and pooling on the table. Finally, she said, "Show me your hand."

Hidan held up his hand. Professor Umbridge flicked her wand and the blood disappeared. She stared at his hand. Engraved in it was 'Jashin-sama is our only hope. Our blood will redeem the world.'

"Why did you write this?" she asked.

"I switched when I noticed that you were too [freaking] busy watching my hand bleed than with what I was [freaking] writing," Hidan said. "You didn't say [shoot] about what was showing up on it, so I just kept going. I'd [freaking] rather have this in my hand than that other [freaking] phrase you wanted me to write."

Professor Umbridge stared. Then she blinked. Finally, struggling to regain her composure, she said, "Dismissed."

"Am I [freaking] coming back tomorrow?" Hidan asked.

Professor Umbridge hesitated. After a moment, she said, "You will be informed tomorrow."

"[Freak] yeah!" Hidan cheered. "Man, I hope to Jashin-sama that all the [freaking] detentions in this place are as [freaking] good as this! Night, [witch]!" Taking the quill, Hidan casually headed out the door and slammed it behind him.

Professor Umbridge, in some sort of state of shock, stared after him. She realized that he'd taken her quill, grimaced, and then wrote a note to her Inquisitorial Squad.

_A certain first-year Gryffindor has something of mine_, she wrote. _It is precious to me and must be taken back at all costs. The offender has silver-hair, pink eyes, and a vulgar mouth. Consult Argus Filch for more details regarding him- he knows of whom I speak_.

Satisfied, Professor Umbridge summoned Filch. "Give the message to the Inquisitorial Squad. That Mr. No-name you sent here ran off with my blood quill. We can't have the other teachers knowing about it."

"I understand," Filch said, smiling. "Mrs. Norris, it's time to play," he called as he left the room.

Professor Umbridge sat back in her chair. Flicking her wand, she got rid of the drying blood on her table. Eyeing the spot where Hidan had been sitting five minutes ago with distaste, she contemplated on what she should do for his next detention. Clearly she couldn't send him to someone else, or he and his big, vulgar mouth might say something about her usual detention methods. "That annoying little brat," she said out loud. "Ah! He wasn't looking forward to a lecture. Well, I suppose that's next."

* * *

Hidan banged open his dorm's door. "Hey, [shoot]heads!" he yelled. "Guess what I got?"

"What, un?" Deidara asked, annoyed as he rolled tiny little clay balls infused with his exploding chakra.

The three Kisames (the real one and two water clones) sitting at the desks doing homework ignored him.

"You know how I had to do a [freaking] detention with that pink [witch]?" Hidan asked. "Well, she has these [freaking] awesome feather pen things that write in your blood!"

The real Kisame turned. "Whoa…You know how sealing techniques need ink with blood?"

"Never got into that sealing [shoot]," Hidan said as he flopped onto his bed.

"Well, sealers need ink with blood," Kisame said. "I wonder how pure blood works? You should show Sasori-"

"[Freak] sure," Hidan said. "It's too early to go to bed, and the constellation of Jashin-sama isn't showing yet, so I can head down-"

"Tomorrow," Kisame finished. "Red-headed Leader-sama's pissed at you for drawing attention to yourself. You don't wanna be caught out after curfew again."

"[Freaking] fine. But I'm praying in [freaking] here tonight," Hidan grumbled.

"If you do, do it on the roof, un," Deidara said. "Civilians around here are really social. They barge in like the own the place, un."

"You're sense are so [freaking] dull that they catch you by surprise?" Hidan snorted.

"No, un!" Deidara snapped heatedly. "It's just, while Kisame and I can sweep all ninja stuff under the bed easily, we can't really sweep you and all your ritual stuff away."

Hidan grumbled, but agreed. Later that night, while he lay under the stars on the roof praying to Jashin, he didn't notice when a certain cat slipped up on the roof, smelling his blood.

* * *

Filch may or may not be slightly disturbed when Mrs. Norris somehow confers to him what she saw. So now Hidan's got the Inquisitorial Squad on his tail. The sensible ones of Akatsuki aren't going to be happy about this. And I know that there isn't much action with the other Akatsuki members. Sorry to all Zetsu fans- he hasn't had much time in this fic. Neither has Tobi. I'll find a way to show them and all other Akatsuki members that I've been neglecting more.

As always, feel free to leave me an idea. I'll credit you. Or just leave me your feelings on my story.

Until next time.


	8. The Misadventures of Tobi the NInja

**I thank Kage kitsune of light for getting the creative juices flowing for this installment. I'm not feeling chatty today, so without further ado, I give you ****_The Misadventures of Tobi the Ninja_****.**

* * *

While Hidan was having fun with Professor Umbridge, poor Tobi had managed to get lost. Again. He was stuck in the hall of moving stairs. Remembering what Leader had said about not using his ninja skills while around the many stick-waving civilians, Tobi helplessly ran up and down the constantly shifting stairs always to end up back where he'd started. Starting to feel embarrassed about his inability to navigate while all the civilians were somehow able to, Tobi put his orange mask on to cover his face and put the eye patch that Itachi, who he'd decided must be his long-lost cousin due to his Sharingan, had given him.

The clock that sounded through all of the giant school that they were in rang. It was almost nine o'clock. Tobi was getting worried. If he didn't make it back to the nice yellow and black room, he would get in trouble with the adults and with Leader. Fewer and fewer students walked the stairs. Tobi was very worried. Now there was no one he could ask for help. But…now there was no one to see him use his ninja skills!

When no student came by for a whole minute, Tobi glanced around and listened carefully for any approaching footsteps before using his chakra to stick the walls so that he could travel without being confused by the moving staircases. Just when he thought he was close to figuring out how to get back to the nice yellow and black room, the clock struck nine.

"Oh no!" Tobi whimpered to himself. "Tobi is a good boy. Tobi didn't mean to stay out late!" Desperate to get out of the confusing hall of moving stairs, he took the first available exit and ran as fast as he could.

Tobi quickly decided that his strategy was not the best he'd ever concocted. It was even worse than the potion he'd made earlier that day…but he digressed. Tobi desperately wished that someone- Itachi, Deidara, _anyone_- would appear and help him. Even Hidan was better than no one!

Obviously running around was not getting him anywhere closer to the nice yellow and black room. Maybe if he just sat still, one of Konan's pretty paper butterflies would find him. Or maybe Zetsu would come out of the wall and lead him. Tobi sat down in a corner of the hallway and waited. And waited. And waited.

Tobi was getting tired of waiting and was about to find another spot to wait for his friends when something moved in the corner of his eye. He turned and saw a cat.

"Oooooh! Pretty kitty! Come here, kitty. Tobi is a good boy! He won't hurt you," Tobi said as he crawled toward the cat. The cat stopped and stared at him. Its big yellow eyes me Tobi's single eye. Then it turned and darted away.

Tobi crawled after it. "Wait! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi didn't mean to scare you! Come back!" The cat continued running.

Tobi realized that he would probably be faster if he stood up and ran, so he did. He quickly gained on the cat, which kept running. "Come back, pretty kitty!" Tobi called. "Tobi is a good boy. Is kitty a good cat too?"

The cat ignored Tobi and continued running. It turned the corner, and Tobi did too. To his absolute horror, he came face to face with the janitor. Tobi froze for a second. Then his ninja instincts kicked in and he turned tail and _ran_.

"Aaaaauuuuuggggghhhhh! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi did not mean to get lost! Tobi is sorry! Tobi did not mean to be a bad boy!" he screamed as he ran like one of Deidara's artworks was chasing him.

Somewhere behind him, he heard the janitor snap, "Mrs. Norris, track him down!" This just made Tobi charge away faster.

Tobi ran until he found himself back in the cursed hall of moving stairs. Scared, the orange-masked ninja child leaped up onto the walls and ran into the nearest hall that wasn't the one he was in. He ran and ran and ran, and didn't stop running until a ball of water hit his mask.

"Waaah!" Tobi skidded to a stop.

"Hehehe! Student out of bed! Student out of bed!" a cackling voice said. Another ball of water hit Tobi.

Tobi shrieked, "Tobi is sorry! Tobi does not want to be a bad boy!" And he turned around and ran in the opposite direction. Water balls splashed at his feet. Picking up to ninja speed, Tobi lost the cackling thing and ended up back in the dreaded hall of staircases.

"There he is!" the janitor, who had clearly been confused how Mrs. Norris could think the curfew-breaker's scent was on the wall, shouted. "This way, Mrs. Norris!"

With a water-throwing cackler coming in one direction and the angry janitor and his pretty kitty coming from another, Tobi panicked. Forgetting Leader's orders to not show off his ninja skills to the civilians, he ran up on the walls, across the pictures, and into yet another one of the many hallways in the hall of confusing stairs. He kept running until he saw something white flit into his limited range of vision. Skidding to a stop, he saw that it was one of Konan's paper butterflies. He cautiously approached it, reaching out to touch it.

The moment his fingers came in contact with the paper, it unfolded. More paper began to float to the unfolded paper butterfly. Realizing what this meant, Tobi stepped back. Slowly Konan materialized in front of him.

"Tobi. What happened? Curfew was an hour ago," she said.

"Tobi is sorry! Tobi got lost in the hall of moving stairs. Tobi is being chased by the pretty kitty and the angry janitor and a thingy that throws water."

Konan chewed her lip for a moment before saying, "Let's go. Teleport to outside."

Tobi activated his Sharingan and disappeared in a swirl. He reappeared outside, sticking to the wall. Inside, Konan opened the nearest window a crack and dissolved into paper. The paper slipped out through the crack and reassembled itself into Konan. She closed the window.

"Follow me," she told Tobi. Tobi ran after her as she grew wings and flew.

Konan led him to a window and tapped on it. A few seconds later, Itachi opened it.

"You found him?" he asked.

"Yes," Konan said. "May I come in?"

Itachi nodded. Konan turned back into paper and slipped into the room while Tobi teleported.

"Where was he?" Nagato asked from his bed. Konan reformed next to him.

"He was lost in one of the numerous corridors of this place," she said. "The janitor and his cat were after him, as well as what I'm assuming was the poltergeist."

Tobi tackled Itachi. "Tobi is very, very sorry for being late. Tobi did not mean to make anyone worry."

"It's ok, Tobi," Itachi said as he gently removed Tobi's orange mask. "Just don't let it happen again." Tobi didn't notice the sadness in Itachi's eyes as he ruffled his hair.

Then Tobi teleported and reappeared on top of Konan and Nagato. He glomped the two of them. "Tobi is very sorry for being a bad boy. Tobi also says thank you to Konan and her pretty butterfly for finding him! Tobi promises to be good from now on."

"That's ok, Tobi," Konan said. "How about you make sure that you're always with one of us so you don't get lost anymore?"

"Ok! Tobi is a good boy! Tobi will do was Konan says." Tobi then turned to Nagato. "Leader Two didn't say anything. Tobi is really sorry. He doesn't want Leader Two to be mad at him."

"Just listen to Konan, alright?" Nagato told Tobi wearily. "And don't wear your mask outside of this room. The janitor and the poltergeist will recognize it."

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" Tobi cried as he hugged Nagato. "Tobi is happy that Leader Two isn't mad. Tobi will be a good boy for Leader Two!"

"Ok," Itachi said, gently pulling Tobi off Nagato. "Nagato- ah, Leader Two- is tired and wants to sleep. Tobi should be a good boy and let Leader Two sleep. Tobi should also do the same."

"Ok! Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi let Itachi help into bed. Konan dissolved into paper and floated out the window.

Elsewhere, Filch and Mrs. Norris searched desperately for the mysterious masked curfew-breaker to no avail. Mrs. Norris finally managed to relocate the scent, only to find that it disappeared. Furious that another student had managed to get away, Filch stormed over to Professor Umbridge's office.

"Come in," Professor Umbridge said.

"Another blasted curfew-breaker got away," Filch spat.

"Really? How did this curfew-breaker manage to escape you and your Mrs. Norris?" Professor Umbridge asked.

"You probably won't believe me, but the little stinker _ran on the walls_. And he ran inhumanly fast too," Filch said.

"Ran on the walls?" Professor Umbridge asked. "Is that so?"

"He may have cast a Confundus on me," Filch admitted. "If he did, I didn't hear the incantation. But I can't think of another reason why I would think that a student ran o the walls."

"I see," Professor Umbridge said. "I'll have to recruit some portraits to keep an eye out for this troublemaker. Was it our dear friend Hidan?"

"No," Filch said. "I couldn't see his face- he was wearing an orange mask- but he had black hair."

"Ah." Professor Umbridge scribbled something down. "How big was he? And was he a he?"

"Yes," Filch said. "In fact, he yelled something when he saw me. It was somewhat muffled because of the mask, and I couldn't make a word out, but it was definitely a young male."

"Young?" Professor Umbridge asked. "Perhaps first or second year?"

"Maybe even a third year," Filch said.

"I see," Professor Umbridge said. "Was he wearing a house crest?"

"No," Filch said. "It looked like black sweatpants with a dark blue shirt with fishnet lining the top."

"Odd," Professor Umbridge said. "I'll leave notes for the rest of the Inquisitorial Squad. Keep your eyes open for this troublemaker."

"I will," Filch promised. "And if I catch him, I'll personally make sure that he gets hell from me."

* * *

**Oh dear. The Inquisitorial Squad is after Hidan and Tobi. Filch thinks he'll give hell to a couple of ninjas? He doesn't know what he's getting himself into!**

**I've got to say, it felt really good not to have to muffle an S-rank word. Writing Hidan's fun, but his potty mouth is a pain.**

**Leave your comments, encouragement, and ideas. Until next time!**


	9. Of Ravenclaw Ninjas and Annoying Blondes

**And I'm back. Sort of. I'm at a three week summer camp. I have little time for writing, unfortunately. Wait...I found time to do this. Well, I guess if I want to procrastinate doing AP summer work enough, it's easy for me to make time. Oh, and blondes, please don't be offended by the chapter's title. It's aimed at...well, just read.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

Kakuzu hated a lot about the place that dared call itself a school. The classes were completely irrelevant to the present danger, which, he had been told, was the possibility of the return of the most dangerous dark wizard in the history of wizards. How did botany, excuse him- _Herbology_, relate to that? How about History? The class taught nothing relevant to this 'Voldemort'. It was useless. Even the Defense against the Dark Arts class taught nothing applicable to defending against a powerful dark wizard. Heck, the Ninja Academies could teach more relevant things than this school did, and none of it was aimed toward this dark Voldemort.

Kakuzu also hated a lot about the inhabitants of this so-called school. The fitness level of the students and teachers was deplorable. They couldn't run up the stairs without being winded. It annoyed him to no end. And the level of focus and preparation the students had was something else. He'd asked the Weasley twins for an adequate inventory of items for their little pranking mission so many times it was ridiculous, and they had yet to answer him properly. He'd finally given up and made one up himself. Dung bombs, smoke bombs, flash bombs, explosive tags…that sounded adequate for disrupting the woman who claimed to be teaching them how to defend themselves against the dark arts.

However, the one thing that Kakuzu absolutely loved about the school was that its inhabitants could not handle money properly. Kakuzu had made so many bets against his fellow students and won that it was getting ridiculous. On the first game of what the wizards called 'Quidditch', he'd won a load of money betting on Gryffindor to win. Of course, it didn't hurt that Sasori had assisted him in making sure that the little gold ball the wizards called a 'Snitch' stayed just out of the Slytherin seeker's reach. Chakra strings worked wonders.

* * *

Sasori, like his housemate Kakuzu, hated a lot about Hogwarts. The classes, the people, and, well, pretty much everything. The one thing he did like about Hogwarts, though, was its art. Sasori could say with great certainty that the witches and wizards who'd run the school in the past had a healthy appreciation for the arts. And not Deidara's sort of 'art'. It was _his_ kind of art.

The moving pictures intrigued him. Not only were they nearly eternal with all the strange and intriguing techniques the wand-wavers cast on them, but also they preserved the spirit of the picture's subject. The moving pictures were _alive_.

The first time Sasori had met one of the talking portraits was when he'd been heading to the library to read up on the wand-wavers' techniques since of the Akatsuki, only he, Kakuzu, Konan, Itachi, Leader, and the strange boy with Leader's eyes were fit and focused enough for heavy information absorption. The portrait he'd met was one of some famous witch whose name he didn't care to remember. The thing that had struck him the most about her, though, was the fact that she could tell him nearly everything that had happened since her finishing. _Truly eternal works of art_, Sasori had thought. _They take on the personality of the thing they represent, essentially immortalizing the subject. Not to mention they could make handy spies._ After all, who would suspect a picture? If he could figure out a technique to make them feed information to him directly, he could have spies everywhere and not have to worry about their discovery or defection. Now all he had to do was figure out the technique…

* * *

The two Ravenclaw ninjas went to the library when classes ended, as they always did. Both went their separate ways, neither really caring what the other did. As a pair, the two weren't the harmonious Kisame and Itachi or Leader and Blue/Angel (now known to them as Konan) but they certainly weren't completely incompatible like, say, Kakuzu and Hidan, or even worse, Hidan and Deidara. They just watched each other's backs and left each other alone. Which is how while Kakuzu was on one side of the library investigating advanced curses, Sasori found himself plagued by a certain platinum blonde who hadn't forgotten the day that he'd been tricked by a certain Weasley look-alike.

"You there!"

Sasori didn't look up.

"I said, hey you!"

Sasori felt his small amount of patience shrinking.

A hand was slammed on his book. "I'm talking to you," hissed Draco.

Sasori looked up. "And I was reading and clearly had no interest in conversing with you."

"Do I need to dock points for disrespect?" Draco threatened.

"Honestly, I don't care," Sasori said as he pushed the offending hand off the page he was reading.

"You really don't care about the House Cup?" Draco asked, both curious and annoyed by the fact that his threat did not threaten the young Ravenclaw.

"No," Sasori said shortly. "You came to talk. What do you want?"

"I haven't forgiven you for the _incident_," Draco said darkly.

"Really? I don't need your forgiveness," Sasori said. "In fact, I don't even want it."

Draco raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Really. Now if that's all you wanted to say, go away," Sasori said. And he tried to go back to ignoring Draco.

"I'm not going to leave you alone until you apologize," Draco said.

Sasori sighed. The ignoring thing was not working. "What am I to apologize for?" he asked.

Draco, thinking that the little redhead was cooperating, answered, "For the incident."

"If I recall correctly, you were the one who made assumptions and therefore a made a fool out of yourself," Sasori said.

"You were disrespecting me," Draco said.

"How so?" Sasori asked, feeling his patience ebbing every second he spent speaking to the Slytherin prefect.

"You talked back," Draco said.

"You did most of the talking," Sasori said. "I am a master of saving my breath."

"It was rude," Draco insisted.

"You thought I was rude?" Sasori snorted slightly. "Try talking to Itachi. He's a master of monosyllabic answers as well as non-verbal."

"I still demand an apology," Draco said stubbornly, pulling the book out of Sasori's hands.

"Why must I attract the most infuriating blondes?" Sasori asked with a sigh as he made a half-hearted grab for the book. As he expected, the second annoying blonde he'd met decided to play keep-away.

Draco looked annoyed at the blonde comment, and examined Sasori's book. "Looking up how magical pictures are made? Well, you're certainly not a Weasley. Mudblood, clearly. I'm not sure which group I hate more- the mudbloods or the blood traitors."

Sasori decided not to ask what a mudblood was. Instead, he held out his hands, focused, and used chakra strings thin enough to be invisible to yank down a shelf of books on himself. Draco looked at him like he'd grown two heads. Madam Pince came running over. "What's going on here?" she asked. "The books!"

Sasori used his young appearance to make himself look victimized. "He took my book and when I tried to get it back, he made the books fall on me!" Sasori said, doing his best to appear helpless.

"Liar; he made the books fall on himself," Draco said.

"Did you?" Madam Pince asked, eyeing him.

"I don't have a wand," Sasori said.

"You don't have a wand?!" Madam Pince asked, startled. "Why ever would you not?"

"My friends and I have no money," he said, playing pathetic.

Madam Pince flicked her wand and made the books fly back to their proper places. Examining Sasori, she saw that he indeed possessed no wand. "Well, well, well," she said, looking up to glare at Draco. She held out her hand. "The book," she ordered. Draco handed it to her, glaring at Sasori. "Thirty points for Slytherin for such conduct. Twenty more because you're a prefect. I'll be reporting to your Head of House. Now apologize to this young man and get out of my library."

"Sorry," Draco said, his tone filled with loathing.

"Apology accepted," Sasori said shortly. Satisfied, Madam Pince left.

Draco also turned to leave. Looking back at Sasori, he hissed, "My eyes are on you. That's two times I'm going to get you for making me look foolish."

"Honestly, you don't need me to look foolish," Sasori said, rubbing his head. He definitely was not a puppet anymore- he could feel where the books had hit his head. "I've seen those goons you hang out with."

"Don't insult my friends," Draco snapped.

"You're right, they don't need to be dragged down by a short-tempered idiot like you," Sasori said absently. He turned the page in his book. "I don't know what it is that you blondes do to get a rise out of me. I'm usually more controlled than that."

Draco ignored that comment and said, "I'll find a way to get even. And I'm gonna find out what you did to make those books fall. Wandless magic, hm? I'll discover your secret and make your life miserable."

"You do that- well, I can't really call you brat because technically, you're older than me. Also, Deidara holds that title. Hm. What's that word you people use here? Ah! Prat. You do that, prat," Sasori said. "Now I do believe that the librarian told you to leave. Goodbye." And Sasori turned back to his book while Draco stormed away, sending him murderous glares.

Sasori sighed, rubbed his head again, and looked up. "I sense you, Kakuzu." Kakuzu dropped silently from the ceiling. "You were there the whole time. Why didn't you show yourself?"

"It was interesting to see that boy, as you put it, 'get a rise out of you.' Quite amusing, actually," Kakuzu said.

"I put him in his place," Sasori said. "He honestly thinks that because he's older than me, that he's better than me. And he's not even older than me."

Kakuzu snorted. "That's right. What are you, thirty-something?"

"Something like that," Sasori said. "I stopped counting. After all, I am eternal."

"Were," Kakuzu corrected. "You're no longer a puppet."

"I will fix that," Sasori said. "I need to age more, though."

Kakuzu nodded. "That boy mentioned that he will be watching you. Will that impair our mission?"

Sasori shook his head. "It shouldn't. He's just a civilian, even if he's a wizard. All he can do is shoot pretty lights that can be easily dodged."

"Point," Kakuzu said. "I'm heading back to research more."

"You do that," Sasori said.

Kakuzu left. Sasori went back to figuring out where he'd been before he'd been interrupted.

* * *

Later that evening, the two Ravenclaw ninjas slipped out of their dorm room to the designated meeting place set by their leader…s. Neither Kakuzu nor Sasori quite knew what was going on with their Leader who now had blue eyes, his partner, and this new boy with Leader's old eyes. They knew that everything had become strange when Tobi had messed their whole situation up. Leader became more upbeat and called himself Yahiko, his partner revealed herself and her name- Konan, and a strange new boy appeared out of nowhere bearing Leader's strange ringed eyes, acting more like Leader than Leader, and called himself Nagato. Both Kakuzu and Sasori had their hypotheses on the new development and neither was willing to share.

On the rooftop, Leader, rather, Yahiko, told everyone to lay low, not do anything suspicious or attention drawing, and above all, stay out of the janitor, his cat, and Professor Umbridge's way. He glared at Tobi and Hidan as he said this. Nobody asked. Then he asked for everyone's reports.

"I've been making bombs for Kakuzu's inventory, un," Deidara said.

"I've been doing homework and learning this place's techniques slowly," Kisame said.

"I've been [freaking] swiping that pink [witch's] Jashin-blessed quills," Hidan said. "Hey, Sasori, Kisame mentioned some [shoot] about you wanting to [freak] around with them. Some [shoot] about sealing. Here." Hidan threw a couple of quills at Sasori. Sasori caught them.

"And these do what?" he asked.

"They [freaking] use your own [freaking] blood to write," Hidan said excitedly. "Best Jashin-damn thing ever [freaking] invented."

Sasori examined them. "Hm. I'll see," he said. "Since I'm here, I'll report. I'm looking into the living pictures. They could be handy information gathers."

"I'm investigating advanced curses," Kakuzu said.

"Wards," Itachi added.

"Tobi is doing what Leader and Leader Two said and is staying out of trouble!" Tobi said cheerfully.

"We are tailing Professor Umbridge," said Zetsu. "**She looked appetizing at first until we found out that she wears chemicals to make her scent somewhat appealing**."

Yahiko visibly sweatdropped. "Don't eat her until I say you can," he ordered Zetsu. Zetsu nodded. "Good. Konan, Nagato, and I are working on a way home. We're not exactly sure how we got here anyway, but we suspect that it something to do with Tobi's dimensional transport abilities and maybe one of this world's portkeys accidentally ending up back at home. We're still working on it. Anyway, good work and, like I said, lay low. We don't need any more attention drawn to us."

Sasori sighed. He should probably report his prefect problems to Yahiko. "Leader, I have another development to report."

"Yeah?" Yahiko asked.

"You remember how I was mistaken for a Weasley a few weeks ago?" Yahiko thought a moment, and then nodded. "The prefect is angry and wants to get even. He ended up with another score to settle with me."

Kakuzu chuckled. "It's amusing how easy it is for blondes to push his buttons," he said.

Sasori shot him a look. "Anyhow, he's going to be watching me for any excuse to get me in trouble."

Yahiko sighed. "That's annoying. Well, be careful. I trust you to watch yourself around him." He glanced at Konan and Nagato. "I think that's all we've go, yeah?" Konan and Nagato nodded. "Good. Dismissed. Hidan, if you're going to pray, go out to the _forest_ and do it. I could sense your chakra in the blood you left on the roof. That's no good. If I can sense it, there's too much left over up there. Clean it up and pray somewhere else."

"You [freakers] have no [freaking] respect for [freaking] Jashin-sama," Hidan snapped.

"The way you say it, sometimes I wonder if you do yourself," Kakuzu said before he flickered away. Sasori was about to follow his housemate when Deidara stopped him.

"Blondes get a rise out of you, un?" he asked.

Sasori gave him a look. "Unfortunately, it seems so," he said. "You're a brat and he's a prat. Done." He wrenched his arm from Deidara's grasp and flickered away. Even in the Ravenclaw tower, he could still feel Deidara's chakra flare up in anger.

* * *

**So there you have it. Yay. Leave your comments, ideas, and everything.**

**Did you notice the cover art? I drew it myself! ...Actually, I just drew the Akatsuki. I used Google Images for the picture, cropped it, and recolored it red. But I did do the chibi Akatsuki all by myself. I'm so proud!**

**Oh, by the way, I have a little self-promoting to do. I have a new story called ****_Spirited_****. It's basically an AU where a bunch of our favorite characters (Akatsuki included) get possessed by spirits and therefore have unique abilities. They're not in a ninja universe, which makes their powers a great asset, especially in wartime. Therefore it's up to Jiraiya and Tsunade, Commander Sarutobi's most trusted generals, to hunt them down and train them to work for the Big Five Alliance (Konoha-Suna-Iwa-Kiri-Kumo). They're in for quite an adventure...**

**I haven't made it very far with this one yet, but all stories have to start somewhere. I mean, ****_Akatsuki at Hogwarts_**** started out with a kinda lame title and little bit of sudden (but never unwelcome) inspiration. Check it out if you have time. In the meantime, I'll do my best to keep updating both of them.**

**Until next time.**


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